Lipstick Stains

on a plain tie dyed shirt

Mind Games.?.

I am fond of the idea of falling in love with my own thoughts and imaginations, falling in love with the unachievable setting of a stoic attitude.
Failing to say the right words and stumbling upon real life obstacles, for I have always made up my own troubles which I know the escape to.
For I have always run away from ones I am afraid of and catch ones I enjoy.
How much more ironic can a girl like me be? Admitting on a stage in front of the World about the realist I am. When all I have been doing for the past billions of seconds I have been breathing, was just dreaming and dreaming.

Same old thoughts, rusty but stained.

12th July 2016 and I still check on you every, every, every day without fail. What is all this all about? I dont know either. I dont understand how is this so addicting, that it makes it so hard for me to quit. Man, I swear I would have had better chances and a better life if I stop, just, stop caring about your existence. You know, it feels like I am fan girling over a celebrity. I put up with anything that I can get online, look at your photos, find out the latest gossips just to satisfy myself. I have never fangirled over any famous people before, but you. What the actual hell right? What are you? I bet you cant answer that as well. Come on, youre just an ordinary guy from my past that I caught feelings for unconciously and it got stucked and checking up on you has become a routine. You are nobody, youre not famous, youre not super intelligent, youre not extremely hot and sexy, youre just a guy in your own tiny circle of yours that changes from one time to another. I swear to god, youre not even a fuck boy. Youre just, a boy. Who plays games, a comic nerd, movie geek, anime lover, football fan, collector of randon antiques and the lame ass list goes on. But I see that youre happy occupying yourselves with those little things, and from afar, that makes me feel at ease. Atleast youre not lying in bed like a stupid person not knowing what youre up to in your life, numb from heartbreaks, missing people that has walked away from you, stressing over problems that supposedly shouldnt bother you that much, or getting angry at things that is insignificant to your future. See, ive deleted the writings about you but its 2.15a.m. and I am supposed to study for my own success, but nope here I am writing more and more. Only words. Just, words that has been creating everything between you and I. And to be honest with you, if I ever get the chance to get to know you again I wouldnt know what to say. Like the last time we met, all that could come out from my mouth was 'hi, hows life?' Despite that I am, considerably loud, Im still awkward around you. I had always prefer silence with you around. Knowing that you are okay, is good enough. I hope one day you'll willingly reply to my message on Tumblr, so I know where I stand. And I hope you reply with the Y word because thats all that I ask for now. I just want to see you, drink coffee or tea or maybe something extraordinary. I just wanna share silence with you and get everything cleared up so I can continue building my life, making myself a better person for my future, with or without you.