August Rants

Forsooth, being a youngster burns your soul through the days. I could never agree more about this. At this point of life, I've seen my friends do new stuffs and I won't deny that I do too. Not saying specifically, but generally everything. All I wanna do is go to new places and explore new hobbies and meeting new people. As if I have nothing to lose trying rather than staying in waiting for miracles to happen. I am blessed for a family and friends who supports me through this journey of mine in finding my true self and achieving every single dreams I have. At this exact point of this life that I'm living, the only thing I spare a thought for is the people I love that loves me too, the things I love that won't harm me and the memories I cherish now and forever.

Every now and then, I am reminded of the people in the past. Especially those two who gave me life, who raised me up before they moved to a better place. I often wonder if whatever I am doing now in my daily life would please them as parents if they're still around but all I ever want them to know is I am truly happy finding myself and I am trying my best to make everyone proud in my own way. 

Dear Ma & Pa, I am sorry if I am not as great as how you have taught me to be while I was growing up. Trust me, the education you have given me was the best I could ever get and I wouldn't ask for any more or less. It has made me who I am today with the principles I strongly hold on to at the back of my mind. Some people might think I am pretty liberal in my opinions, but know that I have faith and beliefs that I keep in me. Sometimes I get confused of being nice and non-judgmental with accepting a wrong action. But I think, holding on to a religion means being at peace with yourself and everything within. 

So to those people who wonder what kind of person I was, who I am and what kind of family I come from. I am someone who has beautiful parents who fed me with good food, religion and support. And up till this day, I still get the same thing from my family members except that it is done in their personal ways. 

I am Afiqah, I am free to hear any single opinions and arguments about myself or anything that is happening is the World. An opinion shared is better than a perspective planted. May He bless us with all the great things in life, like a calm soul and a thoughtful mind.

Truth

I used to have a subject, he was pretty.
He was the definition of beauty, with all the flaws I can clearly see.
I wrote galaxies and wonderlands, for the sake of speaking my mind
I wrote and wrote and only wrote for and about him
Every time I thought of writing, I thought of him
A living proof of love, heart eyes and passion.

After years of holding on to this subject,
I decided to face my fears
All the unsent letters I wrote for him and all the words I enjoyed writing
came to an end by a single confession
After all, dreams don't come through
They just disappear into thin air like the memories of things you thought you'd have forever

I miss having a subject sometimes
but now I live in peace
I guess now I understand the things I wrote myself
that Love was never about things that your mind speaks
but what the heart truly feels.

Blessings

I have been at peace with myself for more than half a year now and I cannot be anymore grateful. I'm done chasing unworthy things like people who no longer put effort in a friendship, all sorts of negative energy. I have my family with me and a bunch of good friends who supports me through it all. I do whatever I want, that makes me happy. Chasing dreams are easier than pleasing hearts ain't it? It gives me a better focus on my studies, my hobbies and passion and the things I truly love. I rationalize easily and I make better decisions. I don't know how long this would last, but even if it's going to be taken away soon, I'm gonna have to face it with an open heart. To those people I care for, I am always here if you need me. Always.

IT'S MEANT TO BE BROKEN, ANYWAY

Dear you, 

I'm just here to say that you have broken your promise

I have let you kiss my scars

touch my covered soul

And now you're using it against me

Now that you're filled with joy

Occupied by time

Loved deep like love stories that I often write

You're using my weaknesses against me.

Let me ask you,

How is this fair?

Well,

How is it even fair for you to say things you're no longer sure of

Things you assume to be true just because you thought you still know me so well?

How is it fair for you to disturb my peace just because your peace isn't just peaceful enough?

How could you say that I am caught up with the past

When I am absolutely unsure of meeting my loved ones again

Even in the afterworld

If the past helps me move forward

And become better everyday

If the past gives me lessons that nothing else can offer

If the past can protect me from the pain I never want to feel again

Then let me be.

Let me be.

Let me.

Unreasonable Reason

To all the boys I said no

To all the boys I said
"sorry, but my heart belongs to someone else"

To all the boys
who loved me and swam deep into my soul
only to find another in my corners

To all the boys
who felt unloved
because I was always comparing to a being I have never knew

To all the boys
who I told to leave to find happiness
because they can never be mine

To the boys
who felt like I never belonged to them
just because I make excuses

I was never in love with someone else

I was never in love with you either

I didn't belong to you

Nor did I belong to anyone else

I am myself

Thus, I go.

Growing Up

Remember when all I ever knew what to write was love and sappy stories,
made up emotions I have never had the chance to befriend with
Remember when I had a subject I love and die for to come home and create new pieces,
endless definitions of something people call a crush
Remember when coffee saved me from reality,
granting me an experience of allowing my alter ego speak itself like its nobody's business
Remember when all I ever cared for was people,
and feelings and emotions and inexperienced experiences
Remember when I lived life dancing on clouds of imaginations,
And endless endings to which I ended my thoughts with
Remember when I forgot that life wasn't just about fantasies and fairytales
Well I do, but thats all I can ever do
Being reminded, to things I have let go off because I said I wanted to grow
I hope this is growing up.

Give Me An Answer

AsI lay straight under this cold mild grass watching a complex map we call constellations
Where i submit my whole being to this earth and everything within
Being surrounded by buildings i dont belong called an instituition
i question
is this really where i am supposed to be?
Mom didnt give birth for me to be a quitter
but arent we supposed to take risks and follow our hearts?
What if i run far away and dont find my way back?
Or what if i run fast enough that I find some place i truly feel like home
dear creatures under this ground im lying on
what would you do if you were me?
Dear beating heart, what makes making a decision so hard?
Dear unstoppable mind, tell me whats supposed to be mine.
Dear Creator of everything I questioned, tell me the answer without having to mention.
Dear mom and dad, that is gone being taken away by infinity, i wish i knew the meaning to the word simplicity
And dear self, nothing good comes easy
Do i tell myself to finish what i have started
Or do i tell myself to drop this and get out of what you mean as comfort
Dear land, dear trees, dear sky, dear stars, dear wind, dear sound of nature, dear instincts, dear me,
The answer is with you.

2.55 am May 25 2017, Kolej Mawar

Ways To Cut Off People, Or More Like Fuck Up Life A Little

Introduction
this applies to not only fake friends
it goes all the way down to the list of people
be it your partner, your bestfriends
or that random girl in class who won't stop making a conversation
it doesn't matter if you hate them or possibly still want them in your life

One
Be occupied, with other things
or atleast, make yourself seems occupied
best trick, you could use the "I am busy" excuse

Two
Have stuffs put on your plate more than you can handle
when all commitment calls for you
thats's when you get to decide what to drop
and ofcourse, people
especially important ones

Three
easy, just wake up one day and act like they never existed
or like, new phone who this?
talk to everyone in the room except them

Four
Start writing long ass letters apologising for the shit you are about to make
which is, leaving them
atleast you know, it makes you less bad
or it makes them less hurt
maybe

Five
walk to them and tell that none of it is working anymore
that you are done and both of you are good to go seperate ways
no hate, just fate

Six
spread rumours about them
or make up stories telling everyone but them
that they're annoying or needy
that way, they will somehow know that they fucked up
which they never actually did

Seven
meet new people
goodbye old ones
you'll miss them once in a while but fuck it

Eight
Be nostalgic once in two months
remember the people who used to matter
and talk so much about the past
that you'll annoy the shit out of the current ones
and then you leave them for stupid reasons
repeat

Nine
turn off your phone
shut off all social medias
stay at home specifically your room
and do nothing for months
you'll get used to it and one day you'll start being like
"hang out how?"

Ten
Fuck up the things that are important to them
like, that assignment that was supposed to cause your life
or accidentally step on their hamster
or lose their favourite guitar
or tell the World about their deepest secrets

Eleven
Dissapear
Be dead
Be gone
Be anything but around.

Sincerely, Lessons Of Life

To all the people I did wrong,
by the power of technology
I was informed that you are happy

Happy, what exactly is happiness?
Maybe sleeping with a full fed tummy
Maybe sleeping on a bed
Maybe sleeping
Maybe achieving
Maybe understanding
Maybe 'they lived happily ever after' as an ending
To me, happiness is knowing where you stand, understanding every single worth you're worth, and cherishing the idea of it.

You see, happiness is not a destination,
just like success,
just like faith,
it is a constant fluctuation
of smiles and hitting rock bottom.

So to all the people I did wrong,
Thank you for existing in my life
so that you could taste the pain of hitting a pit
Thank you for knowing
that I wasn't worth your time but still tried
Thank you for feeding my ego
Thank you, for all the efforts put
only for you to know how it feels like not being appreciated
Thank you, for moving on with your life

To all the people I did wrong,
Nope I am not going to say sorry anymore
The unreplied emails I sent is enough, I guess
Thank you for finally leaving me alone
regretting my actions,
after I have pushed you away too many times
congratulations for going through this part of life,
congratulations for surviving hell
congratulations for stepping away from me

To all the people I did wrong
Have I not told you every single day,
that you are worth it
And I am not worth any of your efforts
Hahaha, you were stubborn honey you said happiness was me
You deserve all the good things in life
and you won't reach heavens if your hands was gripping strong mine

But you know,
to all the people I did wrong
I am happy for you have found the happiness that I meant
I told you I'm nothing like her
Do you get me now?

Well, have fun riding unicorns
I'm probably gonna wave from down here,
only if you wish to look back and smile
But if you don't then that is perfectly okay
Nobody wants to remember the bad stuffs anyway, do they?

Sincerely,
Your lessons in life.

I Like You Forever

There was a guy, and there was a girl. She believes in God, and so does he. Even so, the kind of God they both believe in are somewhat similar but not the same. They both love indie bands and hip hop, a wide scope of music if we were to name them all. The both are people who loved words, words and words. They exchanged poetry and lyrics in their early conversations. Besides that, they both also talk about a wide range of topics. From serious discussions on life, love, politics, beliefs and principles, all the way to silly jokes and lame puns. They got along pretty well, in fact they got along too well within a short period of time. They started to share more than just conversations. They shared food, time, spaces and to some extent they have started to share their lives.

This two person, are similar people who has failed a lot of commitments. People who had repeatedly screwed up important things in their lives, who have held themselves at a point where it becomes unreachable to some, who guard themselves strictly, who tries very hard to be independent, who are masters of empathy. Nonetheless, they both trusts deeply in what life has to offer with hopes of good endings. So when two strong people starts to unite, then comes the weaknesses. Questions like; who is going to give in first? Who will become the more mature one? Who will be the one fighting harder for the other in order to achieve both their personal dreams?

There is a big distinction between Love and Like. Since both of them are people who are very self-aware, they never loved but they liked each other. They both believed that if you love someone, you should open up and allow them to touch every part of you. Really, how to actually get there? How do they learn to love? How far will this thing they are having between them go? How hard will they fight for each other and how much will they ever give up for each other without love?

You see unlike Love, Like is temporary. You might put them as your priority today, but you will have a high possibility of waking up the next day realizing that you don't want to do all those things anymore. You just don't like them so much like how you used to. You only liked who they were, before the changes and exchanges happened. That, would result to either party to make excuses for each other. Point out flaws, become intolerable towards one another. The feelings just happened to stop, the efforts disappear into thin air.

However love, it is what makes people keep going in a relationship between two. It is somehow like a vow to one another, you might lose interest once in a while, get tired, get bored but it won't be worth it to lose the whole of it. It would most probably leave you feeling empty as a hole in some corners of yourself. So when you Love instead of Like, you will then learn how to rest instead of giving up. You will allow yourself to breathe and keeping on challenging yourself pushing yourself off your limits and comfort zones breaking your principles in order to fight for something you love.

So what will happen to the two people? Will they find love somewhere between each others skins and bones? Or will they just stay in their comfort zones and continue doing the same for the rest of their lives?