I Am Tired Of Appologising So Hye

I used to write a lot about this person, probably the second highest subject out of all of the writings I've ever written in my life. Pffffttt, I know right? It has been a while since I wrote about/for you. I guess we both did a good job in making peace with ourselves, with our past and with our friendship that has never really left us. Used to be a bro to me, and then cupid acted stupid that we broke the bro code and now we're in the bro zone again. I can say that I am happy this way, it's like I've missed talking to you as a friend and we finally became ourselves again. It has only been like one year ago but it seems like we have grew out of it pretty amazingly. So as requested, this poem is for you dude(used to call you babe but fuk u hahaha).

Yesterday is so far in my days
but it is so near in my mind
the fact that you crossed the border
is totally something to be amazed by
I still wonder how you managed to cut off the lines

Your happiness is my pleasure
but life said that route is a disgrace to our ways
the decision for our departure
was the best thing that we could chase

Now you are a hero of your own
and I am again my own queen in my castle
We are too strong for each other
Being together makes us nothing but frown

Here I am giving you my gratitude
for being a good person for me to remember always
the younger you has always been in a persons bad book
trust me, you are too dearly to be in mine

I used to write you many poems
of sorry's and goodbyes
I guess this one right here is me
finally wanting to say "hye!"

Steps

Good things takes time, and I guess that 'good thing' for me is still far ahead of me for me to take a step at a time while cherishing these moments in my life. Again, this is a post on topic that has been on my tongue forever and always.

You see, they always tell you that we should take one step at a time while moving to the things we want so that we can learn and enjoy the little things while we are on our way. That is exactly what I did with the situation I was having lately. I thought it was worth it, I saw some light in it. I took one step at a moment, I didn't even give up even though the typical me would. I believe in patience and effort. I made peace with my ego, I told my ego that this is going to give me something valuable to remember. However, they have never told me that sometimes, while we are patiently taking each step with full focus, others would take a sprint towards the things we want. And before we even get there, we have lost it already.

People, also said that you have to be extreme in wanting the things you wish to have in life. You must be aggressive and hardworking and put in full effort. I don't know which is the right way to do it but I am glad that I did what I did. Yes, if I took that sprint I would probably be there first. I would be a 'winner'? But what if when  reach there after that tiring run, I still get dissapointed? Wouldn't that be worst? Maybe you would argue that the run was satisfactory, but me on the other hand, I wanna say that I'm glad I got to learn the things people always overlooked. I am glad I cherished the little things.

What I have in my head is walking through a garden towards a door, and taking one step at a time breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the flowers and plants around me. Watching honey bees and insects doing their thing, and having no problems to worry. Only the fact that they got to do what they have to do everyday without fail. While a person who takes a sprint wouldn't get the chance to enjoy these things I did.

Maybe this is not yet my time, maybe you are not the right person for me. Maybe she needs you more than I do. Maybe I have all the things she wants in life, thats why she deserves it better. Maybe I am way happier than she had ever been, maybe? Life is full of consequences. Maybe this is just a moment I have to cherish while it lasts because in a few years, when your name gets mentioned, I'll be making that confused face of mine.

Maybe, this is not the end of it. But I pray to God that it is.

insecurities and misinterpretations

Why do we always read some text in a different idea than how it was supposed to be read and react instantly and go crazy, but realise hours or days later when you reread it that it was really nothing? I've had this problem for years, I'm bad at translating a text and how it's supposed to sound. That's why I prefer a face to face, real life conversations. I feel the need to see face reactions and a persons eagerness and how their lips move when they speak, how their muscles work the emotions they express without them realising. For the 100000th time, I'm telling you that I love realness.

Back in my high school days, I have always got into a social media fight with my guy friends just because I read what they wrote in a meanier tone. Or because I assume too much, and then react and then regret. But as I grow older I have learnt how to stay calm and take time to understand criticisms given and all the other things that comes in ny way.

Love, too has always complicate my mind. Sometimes I question myself whether it was my fault to be reading it in that way and make assumptions, or if it was really meant to be mraning like how I was reading it, or that person said it with no intention to insert whatever confusion I end up having? I don't know. I hate blurry pictures when it comes to this subject. I hate wasting my time. I hate having my mind occupied by the things I know will not last. They say live the moment, I say live the moment all the time but I just can't help saving myself from getting my knees bleed and my mind blocked and my heart crushed. To fall is to feel the adrenalines and whether you are saved or you will die, you will never know.

And it's May 2016, but I'm still arranging my bricks to make my walls higher and higher. I'm sorry, I don't want to be told of my unworthiness.