You Are My Roller Coaster

I used to wake up to the sound of his giggles
The sound of laughters when he managed to disturb me dreaming of beautiful things that didn't consists of him by his tickles
I used to open my eyes in the morning having blue curvy eyes as the first thing to stare at
Even when it closes sometimes it could still blow away all my mad
I used to wake up to the tingling fingers that danced on my belly
No matter how much I hated mornings he still managed to lighten the weight of the World I kept telling him that its too heavy
I used to wake up being on the higher side of my water bed
Sometimes I even get to see him sad because he woke up all wet
I used to wake up to the smell of the flowers I planted and waited for months and took care of like a baby
Only for him to pluck and put it infront of my face
He sure knew how to play with my feelings
Because everytime he does those little things it had always been so wrong
But it still managed to make me happy
I used to wake up to recordings of The Smiths or the sound of a recorded football game
No matter how much I hated being awake by noises
I still ended up singing along or sitting beside him watching the game
He sure knew how to play with my feelings
Like that one night he blind folded me and played my favourite songs on a headphone so I couldn't see or hear the world and we walked to the restaurant we were supposed to eat dinner
that made me happy and excited and nervous 
the only thing completing me in the dark cold night was his hands
It made me worried when he let go of mine
I thought he let go because we were finally there
But I opened my eyes to see my dead lover
Now I only wake up to the smell of a tragic death of a lover, dying Japanese roses, a dry flat water bed, with some fading smiles of a person who was hit while I was happily singing to our favourite song, a person who never said goodbye, a person who really knows how to play with my feelings.

-

3 hours passed by like 5 seconds
my caramel macchiato was a bit too sweet, it disturbed my ideas from coming out
writing sad broken poems, short stories that has nothing to do with life and death
it made me tear a little
it made my day a little bit gloomy compared to before i stepped into that cafe
and the sky poured out as hard as it could, as if it was enouraging me to curse the pain out in my writings
when the rain stopped, sun was already preparing to set itself
so did I, packed my stuffs and went to the cashier to pay my coffee
it was indeed a 3 hours of sad poems and made up feelings
couldnt even lift a smile
until you said hi
and i felt like an idiot walking out from that cafe
ive never thought Id meet love, after writing heartbreak poems.

ORGANS

The words “lost” and “empty” could conclude what I felt the night you left. However precisely, I couldn’t sleep. For two weeks, my eyes was closed at night but my heart felt like it was too heavy to pump itself. Like when your knees dislocate but you still have to continue running. That was how painful it was for my heart to beat normally. Every single breath I took felt so poisonous. As if the air particles was larger than usual, it suffocates me slowly. My skin would refuse to accept the cold shower I crave everyday as if my whole body is covered with a thick layer of oil. Water keeps flowing but it makes no difference. My brain wouldn’t relax itself, it keeps reminding me of the things we did together like an old tape player replaying and rewinding certain scenes. My brain was blaming me. It blamed my lips for not kissing you right, my hands for not holding yours tight, when really, you can’t imagine the amount of love I have been trying to hide. I can’t really do anything when you left babe. Even my organs seemed like it hated me so much that I had to throw up my breakfast, lunch and dinner for quite some time. I don’t even deserve to have a sip of water for losing you. Worst, even when you came back to say hi, it couldn’t remove the hatred my insides have upon me. It would just make the muscles work a smile on my face.

Thank you, very much for leaving. Now I can never feel myself the same again.

Low

The worst feeling in the World is when you feel like you're the biggest dissapointment. Like nothing you do is right. The worst is feeling dissapointed in yourself and falling sick and it kills you to tell anyone how sick you're feeling because it's invalid. Who cares about someone who only cares about themselves? Dear God, make me as strong as ever. It sucks being so vulnerable to a thought. Make me kind, make me someone considerate, give me patience, make me believe that I'm worth it. God, give me a chance to prove something. Give me a chance to fix my mistakes. It sucks being dissapointed and being reminded how much of a dissapointment I am. Keep my loved ones close to me.

Mr Expired

Dear Ex-boyfriend/bestfriend,
Here is a few things I want you to know in case you are reading
1. I hope you are happy
2. I hope you now have a clear vision of the things you want in life, as you have found that person you have been trying to make me be back then to fit in your imagination of your future.
3. I hope you never have to worry about how to win a persons heart, because you now know that a person worth your efforts are people who would sacrifice on their part as well.
4. I hope you love yourself for what you have around you now, and I hope you never have to feel like you are not enough, maybe never again.
5. I hope you wake up everyday trying to be a better person
6. I hope the people around you makes you want to be a better person, as that was one of my biggest failure in life so far. 
7. I hope you meet, or the person you have now will never fail you. I hope both of you work for it together. I hope she listens to your meaningful songs I always took for granted. 
8. I hope you do everything you love with all your heart, like always.
9. I hope you achieve your dreams and make your parents proud, as proud as you are with yourself.
10. I hope you will never have to meet me again as the only thing that you would hear coming out from me is the word "sorry".

EARS

I lost my ears, at the age of 19. Note that I am not talking about the ears that most of us are born with. This is the kind of ears that God purposely blessed into your life when you were 15. Probably, purposely took him away 5 years later too. This ears are one of a kind and I don’t think I’ll ever get the same again.

Here’s why ‘he’ is not some typical cartilage-organ-thing;

Listened to me talking in class for one whole year

Listened to me talking on our way back home after school
Listened to me talking late at night on Facebook IM

Listened to me talking about my first love

Listened to me talking about my secret admirers

Listened to me talking about my enemies

Listened to me talking about the fights I had

Listened to me crying about being verbally bullied in school

Listened to me breaking into pieces when I fought with that guy I fell in love with

Listened to me ranting about how hard math was

Listened to me talking about my family

Listened to me talking about the things I want in life

Patiently listened to me when I was on the verge of giving up

Listened to me talking about the confusions I had in making decisions

Listened to me talking about going to the right schools

Listened to me talking about my results and how I deserved it

Listened to me talking about models that I envied

Listened to me talking about everyone else around me and he would still be first

Listened to me talking about my relationship

Basically, listened to everything about my relationship

Listened to me breaking up with my ex-boyfriend

Listened to me talking about every guy I had a crush on

Listened to me being shocked about how crappy the world actually is

Listened to me being scared of my future

Listened to me talking out loud in the car even though I was annoying

Listened to me talking about my artworks 

and how I keep on saying I want to drop out law school for arts

Listened to me when I got into a car accident and I didn’t know what to do

Listened to me every single day without fail

Listened to me even when I didn’t have a word to say

Way beyond recognition to be just a ‘good listener’

I lost my ears, over something he said that I didn’t want to listen.

I forgot, my ears had a mouth too.

Note; I didn't want to post this at first, but fck it. L.O.L

Rindu

Aku rindu Ibu
Aku rindu Bapa
Aku rindu mereka
yang telah pergi
Aku rindu mereka yang telah mati
ditanam dalam bumi
Dan
Aku rindu mereka yang telah mati
dibawa masa dan takdir
Aku rindu mereka
yang tak mungkin kan kembali
Aku rindu kawan
yang hidup mati bersama, dahulunya janji
Aku rindu kekasih kekasih lama
yang telah aku patahkan hati

Tetapi sebenar benarnya
Aku rindu Tuhan penciptaku
Dia, yang memberi perasaan rindu
ke hati ini.

Lives(You Die and Be Alive More Than Once)

So today, this girl (IDK if she could still be considered as a girl or not cause turning 20 this year) cried her heart out. Everything she has been containing inside her since last year (LAST YEAR; 2015) has finally been poured out. Every single bullshit she kept, acting as if it was fine because she hates portraying herself as someone vulnerable. She would usually write/paint the pain away but at one point, crying is the best option. I am not saying that crying = vulnerable. But you know, sepergi pergi mampus terhadap kehidupan dan manusia pun, mesti ada limits kan? I guess she finally reached her limit today, after a few days of feelings so empty. After days of sitting quietly listening to songs without feeling anything like a person who lost their mind. Probably, she lost herself in the people who left. The people who she knew back then that if they decide to leave, it would kill her. And they did, and she died. No worries because now she's back alive, and life are not meant to dwell on things that breaks your heart, forever. Maybe, it is a lesson she already knew since she was small, that things go and people leave and it wouldn't be deadly. Things will get better. There are more things to be happy about like; having a happy family, getting a place to study in one of the best places in the state, having some friends, I don't know maybe even having the money and health to help people. She's fine now, thanks to everyone(in general).

Past midnight thoughts #3

I was driving the other day and my friend asked me

"how do you actually talk and hang out with the people you're in love, as if you're not?"

"Maybe I've never actually felt love, because to me all this time love came from the mind and not the heart. Maybe it's just something you think you're feeling. It's just games of the brain. Just like how you breathe and walk, controlled by the brain. It probably goes the same to your heart. Just like when you're about to give up on a test, but you brain stormed and got the answer. Same goes to love, if you try hard enough to think you like that person, your brain will make it all seems like rainbows. And no matter how you feel like its hard to get over something, just occupy your brain with things that makes you forget. But forgetting my friend, is a whole different think. I'll have to talk to you on another drive session to talk about that because the brain remembers. As for me, no matter how much I fancy a person, I make sure my brain puts certain limits so I won't do things I don't like. Like looking desperate and needy. Or showing people how vulnerable I am because I like the fact that I think I am strong. It's all in the mind, how bad you want it, how you don't care about it or how much you hate it. Me, I like the idea of the person not the idea of having them. People always get me wrong. They think I fall in love because I'm crazy and psychotic erotic and name it all. But I am not. I might seem a bit crazy at times, but that's because I want to. I love the idea of falling in love, the idea of people making love because they think they would die without it. My friend, people lose themselves when they break up because their brain are so used to the idea of having another person in it. And now it's trying hard to undo it. Its trying so hard to create new memories. But like i said before, it never forgets. You would get over it by time because you'll encounter new ideas and experiences. However, if you don't let your brain to do so, then it never will. Basically, I just want to say you will feel what you want. You like the idea of that person, maybe his hair that makes you think he's different. Or I don't know maybe his personality or anything about him. It's games of the mind, merely games of the mind. And I would accept if you'd beg to differ"

Tawar Hati

Ya, tawar hati itu bahaya
Tapi tidakkah rasa berdosa jika selalu hidup mahu menderita?
Cukuplah satu kali itu aku gadai segala yang layak untuk dirasa
Esok yang lebih sempurna pasti ada
Maaf jika aku tak mampu lagi buat kau bahagia
Maaf kerana tak mampu lagi berusaha
Maaf kerana sentiasa harus menahan makian ke muka
Terima kasih atas segala percintaan dan dosa
Lebih lama kita bersama semakin aku rasa seperti hilang deria seorang manusia.

Past Midnight Thoughts #2

Reading on consideration
My heart suddenly sinks
Answering my exam questions
Randomly drove my mind to the days
We said a lot of "jinx!"
My friend
Where did that chemistry go?
My friend where did our lovely hearts went?
I wished our friendship was never ruined by that hoe
I miss the days when we thought those days wouldn't end
Dear buddy
You left making me feel like a nobody
On this Earth I feel empty
I hope my breath is gone soon in a few seconds, taken by He
Thank you for the memory 
It still feels like a tragedy
Losing you is the worst thing that has happened to me
Love, my friend,
Take care there
Don't miss me when I'm gone
I'm saying this as if you can hear.

RIP to the smiles that was present in my history.

A New Start

Hello everyone, I don't really have anything to say or any idea on what to write. I guess I just want to say thank you to every single person who existed in my life during 2015. You guys indeed, has made a lot of differences in my life. I am sorry to the people I left, the people I have hurt, but thank you for teaching me a little more about pain and friendships. I have forgiven all of you, and I hope my apology is accepted too. Thank you, thank you and thank you.

Have a better year of 2016, with or without me.