TARDY LOVE

Years and years have gone by
the never ending water droplets from our rooftop
has filled a whole lake
fishes has breed and loved and died
but I am still sitting infront of the window
staining my hands with ink
writing you love letters
with the address of a nowhere land

Years and years have gone by
the empty soil that used to sink our naughty feets
has grown potatoes
that could feed the whole row of this village
and I am still holding papers
that has your sincere handwritten poems
where you spoiled me
with words of fondness and lust

Years and years have gone by
the empty corners of my heart
the cold parts of my limbs
has been ignored and put away
covered with white cloths
replaceed with a complete full
of a whole new life, explorations and ambitions

And when my legs moved itself
with the order of my unconcious mind
to the mailman who used to not have wrinkles
I wasn't expecting to see a signature
I am very familiar of

Oh boy, you made it sound so cheap
you made it seem so painless and easy
you left me empty
you forced me to climb up new mountains
with the warmth of your hands
pulling my feets down
making me feel like I had massive slabs to carry

Now you are back with signing letters
a whole new bunch of love printed in a book
with a name I was born with at the dedication
but I don't know
if those empty spaces and cold parts
still need filling and caress,

DICE

This is the rational Afiqah speaking. Not the insecure Afiqah, not the philosophical deep thinking Afiqah, not the emotional hopeless romantic Afiqah, not the crazy hyper annoying Afiqah too. Okay fine, this is Afiqah speaking.

The same old Afiqah, still gonna talk about friendships. Last time I checked I was curling myself in bed thinking of the good moments I had with those friends I used to hang out with. Yes, those friends who were with me in the morning to laugh during breakfast, the friends who laughed with me in class, when walking to class, in the evening eating ABC or having early dinner at a random stall. It was never anything fancy. We have always reserved the fancy stuffs for our other friends or family. I like realness.

I don't know if I'm putting it in my own definition or its really it, but the realness I'm saying here is talking to one another and being honest in everything and sharing the same lame joke nobody else would understand. Laughing at the world while they're judging us. Laughing at ourselves. Talking to each other on serious matters to the tiniest bits. I was reminiscing those moment. Wrapping my hands around myself lying in my bed in a dark room where everthing else shuts itself.

My mind was wandering to the good times, searching where it went wrong, questioning myself why I'm punished in that way. I forgot that He has better plans. Now, I'm happy again,  living my life again, doing the little things that makes me happy again except with different people. Maybe better friends, or maybe equal in the ways I can't put an equation to. Real friends has always put a smile on my face and as much as I seem like I don't care about anyone, I CARE A LOT ABOUT MY FRIENDS. i realised that when they were taken away from me. Man, I was like a person who had a blank mind. No motives, no senses, I couldn't even feel myself.

How dare I doubted You my Lord, how could I? How can I forget the quote I have always held on; everything happens for a reason. But thank you dear Almighty, for giving me healthy people in my life. For showing me how beautiful a person could be, and how a person could click so well with me. Like wow, being patient was worth every bit.

Aaaaaand besides the above self check, I'm just here to say that I've grown up into a new person, like seriously man. When I look back to my past photos it makes me sad because I used to be very very very carefree, and all the other sides I mentioned above rarely showed itself. But now I'm everything all at once. I don't really have anything to say honestly. Just wanna say Hi to the younger version Afiqah, just wanna tell her how far she has gone and how much of the things she loves she's already doing. How many good people she has in her life and life is kinda great now, but ordinary I guess. Nothing special. Just... life?

PERMISSION #2

Allow me to fall in love
with the uneven effortless smiles your muscles work on your face
when you watch your favourite movies for the tenth time

Allow me to rub my thumb on your soft hands
while you are focusing on the road
allow me to hold it tight
when you do your crazy driving tactics

Allow my sight to stare into your tired eyes
blinking and observing your surroundings
allow me to look into it and fall in love
with the deepest parts of your soul I have not explored

Allow me to count your imperfectly perfect crooked teeth
arranged with two fiery fangs
that can't scare away the love I feel towards you
the imperfectly perfectness
that you don't even have to try and fix it to be beautiful

Allow me to hold you with my little arms
with the strength of my huge heart
Allow me to have you by my side
through your wrecked souls and euphoric laughters
through my empty tears and whole success

Allow me to have a bit of your hours every single day
for the rest of your life
Allow me to be your saviour
your hardworking sidekick
your headache, your calming breath
your devoted assistant and obviously
the person who shares the same love story as you

Allow me to read this again and again to you
when you forget to sleep
when you forget to smile
when you forget to love
when you can't decide
when you feel like losing everything
when you are happy
when you are sleepy
when you can no longer see
when you no longer have enough breaths
to laugh for more than a minute
when you can no longer read
||
||
when you are no longer with me.

Goals

Goals or in other words, things you want to achieve in life. Some people also call it 'bucketlist'. It could be something to achieve tomorrow or something in 10 years time. It could be about buying your dream car, house, going to your dream holiday spots or it could just be losing 1kg or writing a story. 

The stereotype of the World in achieving success if either on money or happiness. The meter is subjective but it is still somehow viewed in the same perspective or the same direction at the end of the day. Some people might congratulate another for having lots of money or getting a doctorate in a crazy field or most probably having a life that seems to be 'perfect'. 

However, the word perfect itself is not perfect. Trying to be perfect also needs flaws and breakdowns. Going to the idea of perfect would take up lots of sacrifices and efforts and determination and positivity and all the good things one could think of. 

As for people my age, or maybe the ones who are quite in the same situation as I am; which is studying in Law School and trying to figure what my future is all about, the would probably have goals such as being a Lawyer, an advocate or a judge or anything around there. Or some would imagine themselves being hell of a rich person spoiling themselves and their loved ones and the list goes on. But in achieving those things, they would most probably study their ass off and join as much as activities that could lead them to that goal. 

Me, on the otherhand is still on a string that leads to a blurry picture of my future which I don't really want to have an idea of? I am not a person who has big goals, because I can't seem to draw a mind map or a route in my mind to how it would make me happy.

My ultimate goal in my life is to be happy, as cliche as it sounds. Yes, ofcourse I want good grades and graduate Law School and make my family proud of me by my good grades I guess? and by getting those good grades, could also promise me a good place to work in the future. But, I dont want to study  for that only. I love going to class and listening to lectures and reading books and the selfish part of me wants every single knowledge that the World could offer. 

I used to have this conversation with my cousin when I was 16 years old and she was around 22 if I'm not mistaken. I asked her "why do you study and go to class?" and she said "to get good grades and graduate as an excellent student" and she asked me back the same question. I answered "ever since I was small, the only reason for me to go to school is to gain knowledge. Not even to get good grades because I hate the fact that I have to know something only according to an answer scheme and if I don't answer what it wants, I'll fail. And probably thats the reason for me getting not so excellent results. I love studying, no kidding. I just dont see the relevance of not having a life by studying."

Well, that was a 16 year old me speaking. My cousin even laughed at me and said "itu lagi la takde hala tuju". It is kinda true though. I dont really know the point of me writing this post. But I'm just trying to say that I am a person who loves knowledge and arts and people. And by occupying myself with all those things, it would make me happy.

But you know what they always say, that not everything you love is good for you. And I think the thing I don't really fancy is focusing on one thing. Because like I said previously, I want to know everything. My life could be closely related to the idiom 'jack of all trades, master of none'. 

I love the little things in life, making people happy by little things and never big things. I like the idea of living the moment because by doing so, it will make you live well. And it would make you aware of every single thing that is happening to you and the idea of looking back is what makes me realise how far I have gone and how much I have changed. 

Different people have different ways of achieving their goals, and probably this is mine.

I want to be a good poet, not a famous one. I want my children and friends to read my poetry. I want strangers to relate to my writings. I don't want publicity, I want authenticity.

I want to be a knowledgeable person, I want to learn the law. I want to apply it to my life and help people understand it. I want my family to be proud of their little Afiqah who can tell them things they have no idea of.

I want to paint waterfalls and make clay art and all the other arts I haven't explored. I want to give the World a little gift by expressing myself. I want to make abstract paintings and give it to my loved ones and people I appreciate.

I want to be happy. I want to be a good muslim. I want to be the best of myself. 

I am not impressed by money, I am not impressed by looks, I am not impressed by intelligence. But I'd love if you share with me a part of your life and ideas and thoughts on how amazing the World is. 

As much as we all know that absolute happiness in the World is impossible and violence and massacre would go on and on until the end of time, I hope I get the chance to change this place into a better one. I hope that more people would show kindness and love and authenticity. 

Sorry if this leads to nowhere, but I guess I finally managed to put bits of my weird-illogical thoughts that I always keep to myself into a blog post. 

Ciao, you are pleased to differ from my ideas because truly, my mind and maturity changes through time. And I'd love to expand and explore more of people. 

HARUAN

Menguap keluar penat Seharian memerah akal dan jasad Bukan untuk membayar bangunan Hanya ingin beri makan haruan.

IMBAS

Angin mengangkat bulu romaku Meniup jasadku kepada kenangan Memori lalu yang kini berterbangan.

PERINGATAN

Putih itu permulaan engkau - dalaman
Putih itu pengakhiran engkau - luaran.

LANGITMU TANAHKU

Berlian berlian terlekat di kainmu itu
adalah kuku ibu ibu kucing dijalanan
Corak corak terlukis pada kekayaanmu itu
peluh bapa bapa burung berterbangan
Lauk lauk basi dibawah tudung sajimu itu
kelaparan anak anak monyet dilorong
Kertas kertas bertulis wang yang menjadi alas kakimu itu
Pada bumi yang sama
Adalah ketidak adilan Tuhan(?)

Last But Not Least

1. I am very happy that you found a person who is willing to love you, because that means she can remind you to love yourself every day.

2. I am glad that you have got over your past, it means that you have forgiven yourself for your silly mistakes.

3. I want you to be happy always, without me in your life. In fact I hope to never have any collision of moments between us anymore anytime in the future.

4. All the best in doing life, in achieving dreams and goals that I know you have a list of. Stay motivated like you always do.

5. I pray for your daily happiness, or at least majority of the days in a week. I hope the bad days gives you reasons for them to happen.

6. I want you to keep on with that maturity you have that I don't see in anyone else, I want you to remain as wise as I've always known you.

7. I want you to treat every good person in your life right, especially your family. I hope you don't break their precious hearts.

8. I hope you respect women and people of all kinds no matter how shitty they can get. I hope you don't kill anyone else like you killed me.

9. I want you to know that I've deleted every photo of you, of us, of our conversations, the things you gave me and the things I gave you.

Lastly, this is the last poem I will write about you, for you. This poem will be a proof that I promise myself to get over the person who meant so much to me after family. A person who changed me into a person I had no idea of becoming, who had the power to make me constantly conscious of myself.

Thank you for every lesson you gave, every friendship we shared, every fight we became broken, every mockery you've spit, every love I felt.

With bittersweet amity, A.