MASK

Mask
I'm not sure if the happy or the depressed self
Is the mask I wear
I can't even differentiate which is which
Maybe they're both masks
Maybe I'm only a person made of nothingness
All these emotions are probably made up
They're all exagerration and lies
Maybe this is how this thing work
It's just like washing your face everyday before going to bed
You clean off your make up
You change it (your face) before you lie in bed
Sometimes you change into the self who loves to overthink messed up stuffs
Sometimes you turn into the imaginative self that won't let you sleep because it's trying to tell you something
But I don't know
Who is you?
You is I
And I am nobody.

Castle

In my heart

you are the King

you are the Prince

and all the Princesses

you rule every single pump my heart makes

you are the spirit

of my heartbeats

the monarch of the palace I build for you

is supreme

nobody else shall question

whether this is just a dream

but baby your heart

is only filled with black and white

no Kings

no Queens

no golden fortresses

just black or white

the color of the paint she coated your heart with

letting it dry until it hardens

not allowing me to see

if there's still chance for me

to build my own fortress there

since mine

is already filled with you.

GO WITH THE FLOW

So
Do you still blame those people who made you a murderer
Everytime you're about to kill an innocent person?

Do you still blame that person you used to love
Who left his sick virginity in you
Everytime you're about to fornicate with thirsty misogynist?

Do you still blame the night everything blasted and took away your smiles
Everytime you're about to light up your cheap coffin nail?

Do you still blame that girl
Who you thought was a bosom buddy
Who told the World about your darkest secrets
Everytime you humilIate someone?

Do you still blame the One who put a burdening life upon you so you could stand back up stronger
Everytime you don't even want to try change?

Do you still blame that teacher
Who failed your first Math paper
Everytime you're supposed to study to be successful?

Well you know what
Go with the flow
And blame everything.

Life Goes On

Life could screw you over when you can't even write a single word during a test
For you to get a kick in the butt to aim better
Life could mess up your day when you're very hungry and you can't find that restaurant you've been dying to go
For you to learn patience
Life could screw you over by taking away your loved ones
For you to realise there are other people that will be there for you
Life could mess you up when your car breaks down in the middle of the highway
For you to trust strangers that will restore your faith in humanity
Life is more than the bad things that happens
Life is for you to open your eyes
Life is to make you a better person everyday
Life might be mean
Only if you don't even want to get to know it
Life goes on
As long as you're still breathing
As long as you're still alive
Life goes on.

NUMB

I forgot what pain felt like
I forgot how painful it was to get paper cuts
When we get squeezed in between the elevator
Those bruises after hours of ice skating
Blisters from rocking new pumps the whole day
Trapped fingers when we closed the car doors
Stubbing that tiny toe into a wall
When our uterus contracts
Body aches after a week of camping
Sprained ankles
Accidentally cut flesh during manicure
Running into a signboard and get bumped foreheads
Scratching acne with long nails
Migraines from too much coffee
Swollen gums after getting our wisdom tooth pulled out
Accidentally biting your tongue chewing bubblegums
Skinned knees from skateboarding
And all the pains in life that you can imagine
I instantly forgot how they all felt like
After receiving that mail
Of your wedding tape and a bunch of pink carnations.

Self centered

You push people away. 
You pushed people who listened to your rants at 2pm while in a lecture.
People who waited and read and responded to your 10minutes of typing on whatsapp.
People who 
You warned about everyone leaving
And that they will get used to people like you
Then
They will be questioning your box of trust.
They would decide to not give a fuck anymore and leave
They would say you're just like those kids who do shit to attract attention.
They would say all these things,
To everyone else except you.
Because talking to you would be a waste of time
Putting an effort in a friendship with you is bullshit
Because people like you wants to be alone
So used to be alone
Pushing people away
Self centered
Insecure
Losing trust
Too afraid of being betrayed
Abnormal
Not living the life
They would leave and never come back
And they are going to have a beautiful life
Amazing friends
And you 
Existed only to create friendships
And break them
And push everyone away
For them to be happier.

Things I Want You To Answer

Do you ever hate a person so much you ended up liking them?
-January 2015

Is it fine to break promises to yourself or is it worst than any other promises broken?
-February 2015

Will it make me a psychopath for having a crush on the same person for 4 years?
-March 2015

Do you believe in virtual love at first sight(photo or something that person wrote)?
-April 2015

Do you think it's logical to fake feelings hoping it would turn out real?
-May 2015

What do you think of being in a relationship with a person but having dreams about another everyday?
-June 2015

Is it rational and fair to leave a person who loves you so much just because you want to stop hurting them?
-July 2015

Do you think I'm afraid of commitments or I'm just independent?
-August 2015

68% of me is a realist and the rest is hopeless romantic, is it possible?
-September 2015

What do we do when we feel like we are not good enough?
-October 2015

BIRTHDAY PRANK

To every single person who wished my birthday today. First things first, today is not my birthday. I was born on the 20th October 1996. Haha, come and check my IC if you wish. I know most of you fell for the 'prank' me and my friend made because you don't remember the specific date but you know my birthday is in October. Secondly, I'm sorry to every single person who thought it was real and I'm sorry for not telling. Since you guys have put so much effort and honesty to wish me along with uncountable prayers, I felt obligated to say thank you instead of telling the truth. Lagi-lagi those yang wrote very long wishes, damn I was so touched :') It was funny at first but then it hit me right in the soul hahahaha. I really didn't expect this amount of wishes because I am not a person who is particular about it. I don't really wish people's birthdays and I don't mind not being remembered on my birthday. I personally think that it is just a date. So I am also writing this to apologize to every friend who expected me to say something nice on their birthday but I did not. Guys, thank you very much for making my Sunday better. Again, I am sorry. Have a nice day and may your prayers upon me goes the same way upon you. (Don't have to wish me again later, you probably hate me already now). 

Sincerely, 

Afiqah, Afiq, Fiqs, Fiq, Afiquah, Quah, Chucky and all the other nicknames you guys gave me.

Amalgam Agnes

Tell me now, why do I still have your name in my head?
Tell me now, why sometimes I wished you're dead?
Tell me, I am not supposed to be sad
Tell me that you wished I was there 
On that cold side of your bed
Tell me you didn't take seriously everything that I said
Tell me you still plan on our lives
Together ahead
In a handmade wooden house 
Painted brick coloured red
Tell me now that you were faking all those madness
Tell me babe that you tried your best
To save what we had
Tell me now that you believe in fate
That we will get over this sadness
Leave and only remember this as our blackest
Moments
Like an artist staring for weeks at his empty canvas
Tell me now
That we both are like magnets
No matter where we go we will somehow still be attracted
Tell me that things will get better 
And one day there will be another human 
Made of us both 
Named Agnes.

Safiyyah Danial

Hello my cheeky baby niece
I'm sorry I wasn't there when you first breathe the hospital air
I was busy studying for my exams
I remember clearly those days where I had a smartphone with me all the time
(it's actually prohibited in my school)
Just to wait for pictures of you during your first days of life
When you first smile and make baby sounds
I remember so well how every time a new photo or video comes in
I would call all my bestfriends to watch it together with me
I was that excited
And I'm still excited up till today
To see you take your first step to your first tooth
and when you started running
And talking and singing
And dressing yourself wihout your parents help
How you would make random silly faces
Or say the weirdest thing I've heard
I still enjoy every single day watching you grow
and it makes my heart sinks when I see you fall sick
(I can't imagine how being a parent feels like, it must be worst)
and do know that I'm totally fine with you getting annoyed by your Maksu who likes to poke you here and there
Annoy you by hugging you too tight 
Or sometimes just bully you because I cannot resist your cuteness Safiyyah
And I'm ready to give all the attention I used to get to you
Because you sure are a blessing from Allah to your parents and this family
May you grow up to become a great woman that He pleases
InshaAllah you will make us proud always.
Ameen.

HAPPY 730 DAYS OF LIFE!
Loves, your Maksu.

(Wrote this almost a year ago, finally have a reason to post)