That Same Old Topic

Things change along with the movement of time
No matter how many times I remind myself about it
No matter how many poems I've written about people leaving
No matter how many times the words "I don't care" comes out of my mouth
It still hurts
When I accidentally screw up the little things in my life
That was supposed to be perfect
But what is a perfect life?
It makes me sad when friends who I actually saved a spot
Chooses to sit somewhere else with people who are
To them, are more important
I don't want to sound like I have given up on having friendships
Because only a few that could be counted with my two hands, left
I still have the rest
It is unfair too for me to blame others for doing this
Because I too, have left people broken
However
It is kind of funny because all my life
I have always been broken hearted by friends
Not even ex lovers
It hurts though
It is like a whole different level of unrequited love
Doing things that matters so much to us
But we don't even know if there is value to them
And do you still want to ask me why I'm not into attachments?
Do you still wonder why I keep pushing people away and build my walls high?
I am not tired, yet
I will still love anyway.

Notes; People come and go, and to be sad means that we truly care. But there's not much energy in us to be sad in every farewells made, so live and love anyway. And learn to know when to smile when they leave.

Cendol Pulut On The 22nd Of December

I have no idea why I get emotional over little things
By little things, I really mean small
Like standing at the back of your friend’s truck in the evening
Late night road trips
Past midnight conversations in the middle of the road
Or maybe just sessions of eating cendol by the road with a bunch of friends
Who makes silly jokes, that I could swear I felt the sincerity in my laughters
Like watching a family of 5 also eating cendol and laksa at the same stall
Makes me miss my childhood days
When dad used to drive us to Wangsa Melawati
To do things; like drinking air kelapa and eating kuih muihs in the evening
And sitting with these friends
Who earlier this year I have no idea of their existence
They reminded me of those friends I started up the year with
Those people who would, like eating cendol
Do little things with me and have sincere laughters
But that's way back in January
Now it is December and I am thinking of the future
I hope we get to sit under this same tree like this again
One day when we have all got our lives figured out
Probably accompanied by some wrinkles and grey hair
Eating cendol pulut.

Things I Actually Care About

So I was bored, and made this poll on Twitter on what to blog with options of; Stop The Hate, Friendships, Existence and Things I Care About. This topic got the highest vote so here it goes guys. Leave a comment if you still have wonders regarding this topic.

Moi, Afiqah have always potrayed this "I don't care about you" "Pergi mampus with that" "Malas nak fikir about everything" vibe. Probably the reason people voted this the highest because they wonder what I actually care about in this World?

Firstly guys, do know that I do care about most things in my life especially when you managed to have a spot in my mind and heart. I hate attachments because it will hurt me, and it will kill me and I hate the idea of dying inside. Hahaha if I had a phobia, it would be a phobia of commitments. I care about you, but it depends really. I don't show them off because I have this huge ego infront of me that keeps reminding me to maintain my machoness. But Alhamdulillah, I learned how to 'pergi mampus'kan my machoness lately.

I care, will forever care about my family. I would do everything to not break my family's heart. Sometimes we gotta live the life and break some rules, but yea my family trusts me. So if you see me doing stuffs a good girl shouldn't do like hanging out late at night with a group of boys, trust me, my family knows about it. However, as much as I care about my family, I can never care as much as they do for me. Since I'm the youngest in the family, I don't really feel the responsibilities upon me. I just gotta do what I gotta do; study well and make them proud. Not much to say here, I love and care about my family most, period.

I care about my friends and acquaintances. I care about you if you have done nice things for me. Sorry if I don't say a lot of "take care" and "I love you"'s, but trust me I care about you and I show it in different kind of ways so you better pay attention. Also done here.

I care about what people think of me, I do. I have this ideologies in my head about the things I like and dislike on how people act, so I try my best and keep reminding myself to not do those things. It kills me a bit when I realize the ironic things I've done in life. If you're Anith Farhana or Ain Syahiera or Iffah Diyana, you probably know a few things I control. Nevertheless, I care about my personality so much because I hate it when people say I've changed. Cause really guys, I haven't changed much. If you're my friend from primary school, high school idk anywhere else, I am still the Afiqah you know. I love the idea of Afiqah people keep telling me, so I try my best to keep this authenticity LOL. Sumpah I suck talking about this topic hahahaha

Since I care about my family, I also care about my studies. But not as much as everyone else because I don't know how to give my 100% in anything I do. Someone actually used this idiom to me "Jack of all trades, master of none" and I couldn't agree more. I have commitment issues kay, and I want to do everything I want to learn everything. Still finding myself, so please don't judge. I may not be an A or A+ student, but I love studying and that is good enough for me. 

Ummmmm what else do I care about, probably a bit of the World. It saddens me nak mati when I can see the sense of humanity in a society slowly dissapearing. The countries in the midst of wars, sorry I am ignorant but I don't know how to help and it breaks my heart. Even domination of powers and dictatorship and the things that are happening in Malaysia currently, already breaks my heart. Not gonna continue this topic cause tak macho if I cry bye (If I have time and idea to write on this topic, I will in the future). I care about the World so much that I plant the seed of hope in my mind, thinking that the world isn't as bad as it perceives to be. That it will get better, that everything happens for a reason.

Honestly, I have more of the things I don't care about than the things I do. Basically, all of the above sums up this post. You can always ask me random questions on my ask.fm/afiqahmohammedisa if you have any other wonders regarding this.

Oh yea, I swear I don't care if you don't like me if you have no reason to do so. If you do have an argument or advise or reminder for me to be better so that you would stop hating me, just tell. I will try my best to accept it with an open heart. Thanks.

Sorry if this isn't satisfying. Still training myself to blog. And this topic is so hard because I DONT CAAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I Want It All!

18 years ago, my ambition was to be bigger than my cat.
17 years ago, my ambition was to read all the books at our home library.
14 years ago, my ambition was to be a national swimmer.
12 years ago, my ambition was to be an astronaut.
9 years ago, my ambition was to be a veterinarian.
6 years ago, my ambition was to be an international translator.
4 years ago, my ambition was to be a business woman who has her own art gallery.
3 years ago, my ambition was to be a chartered accountant.
2 years ago, my ambition was to be a forensic psychologist.
A year ago, I just wanted to be a poet who survived Law School
Today, I am already in Law School and still write sometimes
None of those ambitions from 15 years or 5 years ago happened
Honestly, I'm still not sure what I actually want to be
Probably the best of myself.

Bapa

Kepada insan yang aku membawa namanya kemana sahaja aku pergi
Nama yang disebut sebut apabila memperkenalkan diri
Nama yang aku bangga untuk beritahu dunia apabila dihadapan mereka aku berdiri
Insan yang dirindui apabila aku bersendiri
Terima kasih Allah atas 10tahun yang kau meminjamkannya kepadaku
Pa, you wouldn't have imagined me today
How much I've grown up to be a lady
How strong I've become
How far I've walked through this world
How much I've been through this life, without you by my side to tell me what to do.
I was small back then, but trust me everything you told me makes sense now.
Your little supergirl is a lady now, and I'm doing Law. I know you would be proud of me. And this is for you.
I miss you, selamat hari ulangtahun Papa.

Mohammed Isa Bin Mohd Arshad (9th December 1957- 2006)

Realist? Hopeless Romantic?

Today is such a weird day for me, I had the urge to stop writing and give away all that I have compiled because I decided to be a realist. I hate the fact that all that I am writing is just made up. It sucks, because I wish everything I wrote was true. The bad and the good, the hopes and the dreams, the pain and the cuts. 

I talked to my friend about this, and she said "you have an alter ego. It's like on writing you're a poet, in real life you're a realist. It is balanced and there's nothing to worry."

That actually made some sense. Today's probably one of the days where I feel my writings are not good enough. The day where I feel like some things are better kept inside. The day where I feel like I am less important. 

But I guess these are not true, so I shall write again. Always.

WORDS CONSTITUTE FEELINGS

How can a person

Make me fall in love

By his passionate talks?

How can one

Mentions that he's in love with his struggles

Look so attractive?

How can a stranger

Spark an eager feeling

In this ignorant self?

How can an individual

Who replies my wonders

With only a word

Teach me patience?

Please

Let's talk this over

As soon as possible

Because I'm worried about myself

The longer we delay

The answers to these questions.

Words constitute feelings,

and it doesn't even matter if it is reasonable for one to feel so.

You're liable for this babe.

Plot Twist (written in jawi)

Written in Jawi by Anis Hakimah