Will

If he kills me
please tell his lawyer to use the defense of Insanity
or in other words Unsoundness Of Mind

I am doubtless
that the murder was an Accident
he himself wouldn't have the thought of using this defense

But trust me
he would convince you that it was a Necessity
it is necessary to make me vanish

He will tell you again and again
that my existence obviously brings more harm than good
because I am always the greater evil

Hahaha no no no!
he will never should never use the defense of Intoxication
it will be nothing close to Involuntary what more Voluntary
because an 'Angel' wouldn't do such things.


This is a will to anyone it concerns. I put my trust in you to make this happen, even though I wouldn't know as I have already leave this shitty place.

PS: Only do this if he kills me, not anyone else.

#Miscellaneous 5

I've been painting and sketching these few weeks because I obviously have nothing better to do. So yea.. here are some of them.

"Waterfalls are not always calming"

I approached my waterfall abstract painting in a different point of view. You probably can't see the waterfall but just believe that its there somewhere. I tried to not put in much earthly colours like blue, light blue, brown, yellow, shades of green like I always do.

"A mountain full of Loneliness"

no description.

"On my way to kick the bastards ass"

Honestly, I don't think I'm done with this one. Hahah but I will ofcourse update later (maybe in the next 5 years). It is just my high cut shoes I bought in 2011 that I no longer wear because it's a bit tight now. It's not like I'm gonna wear it out, I just had the urge to paint on anything but paper. 

The Guy Who Was Walking In The Zoo Munching On Peanuts

#2secondsnotes
#forsyahmihaqim


I turned left to check if there would be any bad guys throwing knives at me
I looked to the right maybe someone is holding flowers kneeling to love me
Then I faced the front only to realise a future of loneliness.

New South Wales

throwback because rindu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Selfish Self

Line 6 *I hate it when people remind me

Butterfloth

Butterflies fly by day
Moths fly by night

You see that I'm always doing okay
You have no idea how hard I try to camouflage

Your mind tells you I'm a social butterfly
Do you even have the idea that I can't count anymore the times that I cry

I believe that I'm a butterfly in the day
When actually I'm just a wretched moth at night.

YOU! Yes, the one I'm pointing at.

This is a painting about you. I listed down around 10 to 15 of your characteristic(which I don't remember anymore) and painted out of it. I know you hate it, I'm honoured!

I Am Done Now

I easily lose trust in people. They could do the smallest things they won't even realise and it can already break the walls of my trust.
But I dont keep a grudge on anyone and I forgive easily.

If I could speak a whole bunch of stuffs continuously without hesitation, that means I trust you. And it doesnt take years of friendship to get that power.

Its funny how theres this favourite scene which will always get to me. When Im trying to tell you something or explain myself, they will cut my words or when I have finished they'll ask 'are you done yet?'. Also 'why are you so excited about telling this'.

I know from those moments that these people don't appreciate little things around them and it contradicts me. Resulting to a goodbye.

Cold War

So, what's inside that peaceful mind of yours?
Is it a memory of your mothers smores
Or is the face of her when you said she's a dance floor
Maybe it's a picture of a place that you wish to explore
Or it could be the tought of me being eaten by a wild boar

I know you've always wished for me to dissapear
But I can't help but reappear
Eventhough we fight almost every year
I still want to know
What's in there?

Post Crying Beauty

Have you ever looked at your face after youve had a good cry?

I just did and i think i look better than all the other times ive ever looked at my face.

I love how my lips are a little bit pumped and red
My eyes are swollen but not too swollen, just perfect
My eyebags are pink
My nose is light red
And my cheeks of course its already red 90% of the time.

Maybe i should cry more often. Maybe.

The day after you get your heart broken

You'll get out of bed after 10 hours of sleeping and waking up every two hours because you keep having nightmares about that person
You'll walk to the mirror and the first thing you see is your swollen eyes
And you take one step closer to the mirror and look at your face
Observe every inch of your flaws
Your acne
Your eyebags
Your blackheads
And your double chin

Then youll realise that youre a fat piece of shit
But you still think youre pretty despite all these flaws you see
You will realise that maybe
He breaks your heart not because of your looks but your voice
And you start to sing a few lines of the song you heard from the radio when you were driving back home last night
Or read a few lines of your favourite poem
Youll realise again that that is still not it

And you'll shower for 1 minute and 13 seconds
Dress up in the most comfortable clothes you have
Grab the car keys and go to the nearest shopping mall
You'll probably get yourself a Rainbow Sorbet from Baskin robins
And walk yourself to the cinema
You'll bump into him and his dad
And he will act like nothing has happened
Only this time he doesn't smile at you anymore
And it will ofcourse break your heart a little bit more
You'll continue walking to the cinema
Buy yourself a random ticket
Trust me
You will hate the movie with all your heart
Doesn't matter how funny or cool it is
Doesn't matter if it's Despicable Me 2 or Fast and Furious 7
You will hate it
Not only when you're watching it but you'll hate it forever
Even when they show it on Fox Movies 3 years later
You will still hate it as much

You will drive back home at an average speed of 120km/h
You will lie in bed and tell yourself
He just doesn't like you
Just like when you don't have a reason for not liking someone
But you've never dislike someone for no reason
And you've never betrayed any of your friends
You've never ditched them for someone else
You will realise how great and nice you have been all this while
And then you'll realise everyone around you are all fake bastards
And there's nothing else you can do but to cry alone in your room missing everyone that is gone
Your late mother or your long lost bestfriend who moved to a country you've never heard of
And finally you will write a poem that is called "the day after you get your heart broken"
Which will make you feel a little less burdened.

Love

I grew up bearing in my mind that people will leave. I grew up with my own ideologies. I grew up putting only 35% trust in my best-friends but 100% in strangers. I grew up not in fear but somehow surrounded by shields. Then you came and you loved me, you did not give up on me even a tiny bit. I pushed you away as harsh as I could but you still stood strong. I wonder what are you. Why are you putting so much effort on someone who doesn't need a backbone to live? So h hurt you again and again and I kept reminding you that I'm a waste of energy because I'm going to leave anyway. But you keep saying don't. So my trust grew in you, Not that much but it existed. My shields broke into a million pieces without having to be smashed by a wrecking ball. Until one day you told me

"If you think I don't have plans on leaving you, you're wrong. I'm just waiting for the time that you screw this up."

I have always been mean to love and now its waiting to blow me up. So now I'm the one who needs to watch out? Damn it love, I told you I don't want to sign up for this.

(i havent decided the title yet)

REFLECTIONS

I rarely look into the mirror

Not that I hate how I look

I'm just too grateful for having a perfect face and body

I don't want more

I don't need less

Even when I brush my hair or wear my lipstick I'll just imagine and believe its perfect

My hijab is nothing to worry

I could wear it within seconds while walking to the door before I go out

But today

I decided to stand straight in-front of the mirror

I decided to focus on every inch that has been blessed upon me

You know, by only standing in-front of the mirror could travel us through years back

Jumping from one moment to another

I realized I'm a lady now

I was reminded on how 10 years ago I used to stand in-front of the mirror talking to myself

Honestly that was how I developed my confidence

I used to imagine about the most random things

From trying to talk to my crush to going out on a date with him

Things I never did in real life not because I'm scared but because i don't see the need to

(the reason why my crush never knew i liked him)

I wore pretty clothes and walked in my sisters stilettos in-front of the mirror

As if I was a runaway model

That was 10 years back

When i looked at my legs and and eyebrows

My eyes and lips

It reminded me of my mother

It traveled me 7 years back

When I was only 12

I used to be around my mother all the time and people kept saying we look alike

I never agreed until today

I realized how I'm turning into her day by day

How she used to wear red lipstick

Thats how she looks when you see me trying to look elegant with some makeup on

My reflection didn't only remind me of her

I was also reminded of the moments during her last seconds of life

What she said

How she looked

I remember of all those things clearly when I look into the mirror

So I cried and I felt like hugging myself because I miss her too much

Now I know where to go when I miss you Ma.

To The People Who Are Shocked To See This Part Of Me --

How could you have the thought of me being scary or psychotic

when the only thing I'm doing is writing out my ideas?

How on Earth can you become so ignorant to only the things I write

when all you do is read poetry, go to art exhibitions or listen to music?

Just so you know,

my writings define me better than the language you and I speak.

Divergence

You love me
He doesnt

You comfort me
He burdens

You protect me
He burns

You shower me with sweetness
He pours the blood that came of my thighs

But
Your sweetness turned me into a secret devil
Your kindness gave me the urge to be a slut
You love was so pure you made me dirty

Him?
His sharp tongue turned me into a cautious woman
His harshness gave me the urge to prove him that im not a bitch
And his love that was absent made me force myself to be a better person.

Kindness doesnt always mean you could change a person into better
Its proven now, that im used to being slapped rather than kissed

Ong!

One
How do we do this? 
I hope it doesn't hurt as much as getting your heartbroken.

Two
Which is more painful? 
When he stops loving you back or facing the fact that he will never love you.

Three
Which one is meaner?
To leave someone who loves you or to sacrifice your feelings for them.

Four
What is more breathtaking? 
Having a garden of roses and carnations or just green healthy grass.

Five
What makes more sense? 
Writing a poem about your ideas or your actual feelings.

Six
Which is better? 
To end our list poems at six or seven?

Seven
Who should we cherish more?
The person who listens to your thoughts at 3 a.m or the person who used to be your subject in your past?

Eight
Was it eight or nine the lucky number that the Chinese believed to be good luck?
If it's eight then I shall end here and if it's not I'll just believe that it is.

I Dont Mind At All

I don't mind if I'm not in the picture

I don't mind if I have a real friendship for 50 years 

But there's not even one photo of us together

I don't mind not showing off to the world how beautiful they are 

Because they have already won that place in my heart

I think that's what matters most

And gratitude?

They surely know how I would show them

I don't mind being invisible

I don't mind not being noticed or remembered 

Like how I would remember them

I don't mind if it is time for me to die

Everyone around me would be just fine

And they can move on like nothing actually happened

I wouldn't mind if they're not all depressed and sad fucks

I would be happy

For losing me

Isn't as hard as how I would lose them

I would'nt mind.

Privilege.

Nights where my mind fast forwards to different sets of memories and bewilder itself. 
It's a wonderfully sickening feeling I cannot let go. 
Memories I want to remember, 
dreams I secretly ask for without even having to say it in my prayers. 
Tell me, remind me, answer me; is this a blessing or a damnation? 
It feels so good to be a wrecked piece of living thing.

wicked leaders

"how do these people even sleep at night thinking that people are suffering, dying, starving because of them while they spent their days paying expensive shits using these poor peoples money?"

'you know, they are sleeping peacefully because their rezeki makin murah and melimpah. do remember that not all azab comes in hardship"