All At Once

Before I start
allow me to ask this question that is not so hard
Is it just me
or every moment in my life depends on my cup of coffee?
well you see
I don't really know how I got crazy
over this drink made up of crushed dark brown beans
it could either make my day really good like breathing in a sweet caramel scent
or just bad as hell which could make me so dehydrated and grumpy
but as time goes by
I realised that not only I feel happy and freshed like cold morning showers
I, too, always put the blame for every shitty reasons over it
when i cry at night missing mom out of a sudden
you have no idea how heavy i feel of the burden
i would end up saying
"im just being over emotional, its probably the americano"
when really though,
i miss my mom for too long already
and i just need that warm hug
or
when i lie down in my room and imagine some romantic dialogs in my head
as if before I was even born, i have once been dead
somewhere in someplace (you know like the movie I origins)
it would even make me feel like ive lived the moments i imagined
and again i will finally say
"maybe it was just that cup of latte"
things got crazier when i started to write
stories and poems
everytime i feel like an idea is kicking in where my hands types so damn fast
as if im being possessed (trust me ive been sober all my life)
it would get really weird where i can go up to the point of crying while writing
because the stories i write is just so real and i could feel every single touch i touched
and as usual,  i would go
"damn, it was really concentrated. guess it was a good ass macchiato"
including,
this one fine evening
i remember i was sitting
in my fav coffee shop in bukit jelutong
alone just doing nothing
accompanied by a good book and ofcourse my essentials
phone, notebook and a pencil
and i saw this person walking in through the door i rarely use
red tshirt, shorts and a rayban slipping into electric blue birkenstock
i have no idea how it caught my attention
probably he just looked a little cool
i was sipping my vanilla latte
but for the first time ever
how my coffee tasted didnt matter
what was important was this particular person sitting across the cafe
who didnt realise i was putting up a stare
i swear to god my innocent eyes has never seen anything as beautiful as this one
but it didnt allow me for long
he had to walk out too fast
and so i packed my stuffs cause without his presence
everything in the cafe suddenly seems so wrong as if it had lost its essence
but when i was at the counter to pay for my drink
the cashier told me
"oh dear lady! the gentlemen in red paid for it, he even left you a wink"
im not saying its true but it might
be the cup of coffee cause i couldnt sleep that night
weeks after weeks
and the next thing i realised
i was already looking at his lips
right infront of me
and it reminded me of the coffee beans i use to hold handful
crooked but just perfect to make me feel calm
we would always go for coffee dates
i love how he would always request for my latte art to be made heart shaped
the smell of his shoulders i always lie my head on
reminds me of the aroma i had always breathe in when i open my pack of processed coffee at home in the morning
the way he would smirk and smile
had always reminded me of fresh brewed Omar Bernal
so authentic
the feeling of holding his hands
was as warm as holding my favourite coffee mug
and his eyes
oh his eyes
oh his eyes
oh his eyes
oh his eyes
oh my eyes
was swollen
and my heart
was broken
when he had to leave
so sudden
and he was gone
leaving me with no escape or reverse button
and i still blame my coffee up till today
if only i had ordered cappucino the other day
i wouldnt be distracted by the lips of that stranger
if only i didnt accidentally add in sugar in my vanilla latte
i wouldnt be falling for the sweet words of this heartbreaker
if only i had quit coffee and just drink water
i wouldnt be writing this and healing myself here.
i guess i should just stop blaming the things i love
and hurting myself trying to lose them
all at once.

Lipstick Stains

on a plain tie dyed shirt

Mind Games.?.

I am fond of the idea of falling in love with my own thoughts and imaginations, falling in love with the unachievable setting of a stoic attitude.
Failing to say the right words and stumbling upon real life obstacles, for I have always made up my own troubles which I know the escape to.
For I have always run away from ones I am afraid of and catch ones I enjoy.
How much more ironic can a girl like me be? Admitting on a stage in front of the World about the realist I am. When all I have been doing for the past billions of seconds I have been breathing, was just dreaming and dreaming.

Same old thoughts, rusty but stained.

12th July 2016 and I still check on you every, every, every day without fail. What is all this all about? I dont know either. I dont understand how is this so addicting, that it makes it so hard for me to quit. Man, I swear I would have had better chances and a better life if I stop, just, stop caring about your existence. You know, it feels like I am fan girling over a celebrity. I put up with anything that I can get online, look at your photos, find out the latest gossips just to satisfy myself. I have never fangirled over any famous people before, but you. What the actual hell right? What are you? I bet you cant answer that as well. Come on, youre just an ordinary guy from my past that I caught feelings for unconciously and it got stucked and checking up on you has become a routine. You are nobody, youre not famous, youre not super intelligent, youre not extremely hot and sexy, youre just a guy in your own tiny circle of yours that changes from one time to another. I swear to god, youre not even a fuck boy. Youre just, a boy. Who plays games, a comic nerd, movie geek, anime lover, football fan, collector of randon antiques and the lame ass list goes on. But I see that youre happy occupying yourselves with those little things, and from afar, that makes me feel at ease. Atleast youre not lying in bed like a stupid person not knowing what youre up to in your life, numb from heartbreaks, missing people that has walked away from you, stressing over problems that supposedly shouldnt bother you that much, or getting angry at things that is insignificant to your future. See, ive deleted the writings about you but its 2.15a.m. and I am supposed to study for my own success, but nope here I am writing more and more. Only words. Just, words that has been creating everything between you and I. And to be honest with you, if I ever get the chance to get to know you again I wouldnt know what to say. Like the last time we met, all that could come out from my mouth was 'hi, hows life?' Despite that I am, considerably loud, Im still awkward around you. I had always prefer silence with you around. Knowing that you are okay, is good enough. I hope one day you'll willingly reply to my message on Tumblr, so I know where I stand. And I hope you reply with the Y word because thats all that I ask for now. I just want to see you, drink coffee or tea or maybe something extraordinary. I just wanna share silence with you and get everything cleared up so I can continue building my life, making myself a better person for my future, with or without you.

face it

I have hated negativity so much, I hated seeing violence and pain. I have hated fights and quarrels. I have hated every single thing that could put my heart at a place where it feels like every little piece of it is being broken slowly, one after another.

I have turned off the television when the news throws pictures of war in my face, I have shut off the radio when they scream jokes of anothers' sufferings, I have shut off the people who has only been telling me to hate and hate and hate and break and turn myself into a hipocrite, I have been hiding in my blanket and sing m favourite melodies all along.

But tell me how do I even put my running shoes on, how do I even stand up to run from the things that breaks my heart even when I don't ask for any of it? How do I close my eyes when it haunts my dreams? How do I shut my ears when it's too close and loud? How do I not give a damn, when it has everything to do with the only thing that is left for me in this World?

How do I.... fix all these things that only breaks me? How do I........ help? How........................

Happy Father's Day, Papa

Dear Papa,
This is your little girl speaking. This day is not any more special than any other day, I remember you the same today as all the other days I remember you. The amount inside of me that is missing you, is constant since forever.
I shall not lie that there are days that I forget about you and Mama when I am busy with the stuffs the World has put upon me, but not a day goes by that I don't say my prayers for you both.

Dear Papa,
Most of the best parts in my life, consist of the days I had with you and Mama. I am glad that I couldn't understand the pain of having to think of responsibilities and hardship when you were around. All I can remember about the face you showed me was, a worried Dad who is afraid of her baby girl falling and breaking her bones while playing outside, the face of the clown inside of you tha scared off my friends, the face of a proud father seeing her daughter speaking and painting her imaginations.

But sometimes I wished I could consult you on how to deal with life these days, on how to amend my one and only heart when it gets broken by unworthy boys, on how a classmate of mine is being disrespectful to my lecturer and I don't know what to do about it. And the list goes on Pa. I wish I could just sleep on your arms again while you are watching a tennis match, hug you randomly when we are outside, and hold your hands while walking by the lake. I can still feel your big hands, a bit crooked due to your athritis, quite bumby and rough due to psoriasis, but still one of the warmest hands I have held.

Life is different now Papa, but it is great. It is great that when I do the things I am passionate of, I feel proud. Because a big part of me feels like I am acting you in my skin. It feels like I am showing the World what my father has allowed and taught me to do. Part of me feels amazing introducing the name you gave me along with yours. Part of me feels happy, for I was made of a great mother and father who, the World don't need to know about to know that I come from a great family.

But my dear Papa and Mama,
I am truly sorry if I am a bit too far from what you imagined and wanted me to be, in the aspects that you guys have always been worried about since we were still babies. I am taking small steps, sometimes a bit big to be there to where you guys wished for us to be. Your words and reminders and love, will forever play in my head telling me where I should stand and how I should act.

Mama and Papa,
Happy Fathers Day.

I Am Tired Of Appologising So Hye

I used to write a lot about this person, probably the second highest subject out of all of the writings I've ever written in my life. Pffffttt, I know right? It has been a while since I wrote about/for you. I guess we both did a good job in making peace with ourselves, with our past and with our friendship that has never really left us. Used to be a bro to me, and then cupid acted stupid that we broke the bro code and now we're in the bro zone again. I can say that I am happy this way, it's like I've missed talking to you as a friend and we finally became ourselves again. It has only been like one year ago but it seems like we have grew out of it pretty amazingly. So as requested, this poem is for you dude(used to call you babe but fuk u hahaha).

Yesterday is so far in my days
but it is so near in my mind
the fact that you crossed the border
is totally something to be amazed by
I still wonder how you managed to cut off the lines

Your happiness is my pleasure
but life said that route is a disgrace to our ways
the decision for our departure
was the best thing that we could chase

Now you are a hero of your own
and I am again my own queen in my castle
We are too strong for each other
Being together makes us nothing but frown

Here I am giving you my gratitude
for being a good person for me to remember always
the younger you has always been in a persons bad book
trust me, you are too dearly to be in mine

I used to write you many poems
of sorry's and goodbyes
I guess this one right here is me
finally wanting to say "hye!"

Steps

Good things takes time, and I guess that 'good thing' for me is still far ahead of me for me to take a step at a time while cherishing these moments in my life. Again, this is a post on topic that has been on my tongue forever and always.

You see, they always tell you that we should take one step at a time while moving to the things we want so that we can learn and enjoy the little things while we are on our way. That is exactly what I did with the situation I was having lately. I thought it was worth it, I saw some light in it. I took one step at a moment, I didn't even give up even though the typical me would. I believe in patience and effort. I made peace with my ego, I told my ego that this is going to give me something valuable to remember. However, they have never told me that sometimes, while we are patiently taking each step with full focus, others would take a sprint towards the things we want. And before we even get there, we have lost it already.

People, also said that you have to be extreme in wanting the things you wish to have in life. You must be aggressive and hardworking and put in full effort. I don't know which is the right way to do it but I am glad that I did what I did. Yes, if I took that sprint I would probably be there first. I would be a 'winner'? But what if when  reach there after that tiring run, I still get dissapointed? Wouldn't that be worst? Maybe you would argue that the run was satisfactory, but me on the other hand, I wanna say that I'm glad I got to learn the things people always overlooked. I am glad I cherished the little things.

What I have in my head is walking through a garden towards a door, and taking one step at a time breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the flowers and plants around me. Watching honey bees and insects doing their thing, and having no problems to worry. Only the fact that they got to do what they have to do everyday without fail. While a person who takes a sprint wouldn't get the chance to enjoy these things I did.

Maybe this is not yet my time, maybe you are not the right person for me. Maybe she needs you more than I do. Maybe I have all the things she wants in life, thats why she deserves it better. Maybe I am way happier than she had ever been, maybe? Life is full of consequences. Maybe this is just a moment I have to cherish while it lasts because in a few years, when your name gets mentioned, I'll be making that confused face of mine.

Maybe, this is not the end of it. But I pray to God that it is.

insecurities and misinterpretations

Why do we always read some text in a different idea than how it was supposed to be read and react instantly and go crazy, but realise hours or days later when you reread it that it was really nothing? I've had this problem for years, I'm bad at translating a text and how it's supposed to sound. That's why I prefer a face to face, real life conversations. I feel the need to see face reactions and a persons eagerness and how their lips move when they speak, how their muscles work the emotions they express without them realising. For the 100000th time, I'm telling you that I love realness.

Back in my high school days, I have always got into a social media fight with my guy friends just because I read what they wrote in a meanier tone. Or because I assume too much, and then react and then regret. But as I grow older I have learnt how to stay calm and take time to understand criticisms given and all the other things that comes in ny way.

Love, too has always complicate my mind. Sometimes I question myself whether it was my fault to be reading it in that way and make assumptions, or if it was really meant to be mraning like how I was reading it, or that person said it with no intention to insert whatever confusion I end up having? I don't know. I hate blurry pictures when it comes to this subject. I hate wasting my time. I hate having my mind occupied by the things I know will not last. They say live the moment, I say live the moment all the time but I just can't help saving myself from getting my knees bleed and my mind blocked and my heart crushed. To fall is to feel the adrenalines and whether you are saved or you will die, you will never know.

And it's May 2016, but I'm still arranging my bricks to make my walls higher and higher. I'm sorry, I don't want to be told of my unworthiness.

TARDY LOVE

Years and years have gone by
the never ending water droplets from our rooftop
has filled a whole lake
fishes has breed and loved and died
but I am still sitting infront of the window
staining my hands with ink
writing you love letters
with the address of a nowhere land

Years and years have gone by
the empty soil that used to sink our naughty feets
has grown potatoes
that could feed the whole row of this village
and I am still holding papers
that has your sincere handwritten poems
where you spoiled me
with words of fondness and lust

Years and years have gone by
the empty corners of my heart
the cold parts of my limbs
has been ignored and put away
covered with white cloths
replaceed with a complete full
of a whole new life, explorations and ambitions

And when my legs moved itself
with the order of my unconcious mind
to the mailman who used to not have wrinkles
I wasn't expecting to see a signature
I am very familiar of

Oh boy, you made it sound so cheap
you made it seem so painless and easy
you left me empty
you forced me to climb up new mountains
with the warmth of your hands
pulling my feets down
making me feel like I had massive slabs to carry

Now you are back with signing letters
a whole new bunch of love printed in a book
with a name I was born with at the dedication
but I don't know
if those empty spaces and cold parts
still need filling and caress,