His Heart Says Hers (Part 1)

*mornings by the beach*

The usual, he jogs barefooted along the shore in an all black tank top and shorts with his eyes closed, sometimes he'd go too near to the water he gets wet, at time he steps on broken shells, bad days he would even run into people. However, on this noteworthy day, the feeling of the sun rising is different. He could feel the sunlight tingling on the left side of his body like its poking him on the right places, to the point that he feels like he could hear the waves mellifluously hitting the shores. As if, the universe has something to bring forward before him today. 

He went on, lack of concern. Probably his body is expecting an extraordinary post running breakfast. Until he felt his right foot accidentally kicked something through the sands. 

He checks his watch

(him): Ugh, just one more minute till I break my latest record and you just had to mess my serenity. What the heck is this?

He squat down to pick up a small rustic wooden box which originally was buried in the sands until he unfortunately kicked it out, which also had a mini pink flag on the box which was intended to be left out as a mark.

He tried opening it but kinda failed

(him): Guess this is mine now, finders keepers.

*In his room*

He pulls his chair and sat at his study table facing the windows which had a view of the beach, and checks his drawer for anything that could help him open the box

About half an hour later, he managed to open it after trying hard enough with the powers that men brains and strength has. He found small folded papers, like booklets. They all had different things and stories. There were around 20 of them. 

He read one by one, observing the words chosen to be written down. Carefully trying to understand this whole thing. 

He took out his phone from his right pocket and opened browser, searching up "folded booklets". He scrolled and found the word used, a 'zine'. 

(him): Zin? Zyn? Whatever. But these are smaller in size. Maybe its a small one, like a 'mini zine'. I dont know lol. This thing looks like a girls hopeless romantic fantasies saved for the future her to laugh about.

He left the box and went out, of course to the beach again. Whats better doing on long breaks?

*at the beach*

He saw a lady in a lime green sun dress lying down under the scorching hot sun around the area the box was left, with her red heart shaped sunnies on.

(him): Is she crazy? Nobody comes here at this hour, in fact people don't even come to this area other times. She probably fell from an aliens nation who was just dropped off a UFO or shit, lol

he mumbled to himself as he walks towards her

he sat down beside her, pulled his cap lower due to the sun that was straight in his face

(him): Which planet?
(her): Whats that supposed to mean?
(him): Are you crazy or are you crazy?
(her): Why do you concern so much? Let me do whatever I want on this depressing day.
(him): Well, if you love getting barbecued I wouldn't mind getting free food. Putting aside the idea of cannibalism.

she remained in her lying position, unbothered.

(him): Come on. I could use a story, about this extra ordinary person who is most probably lack of sanity

She was pretty triggered so she sat down and gave him a pretty long stare that shows her annoyed feeling

(her): I live somewhere around this place and I also come here a lot, I even thought this beach was mine alone until I found out that sharks could walk to land and steal. And who are you, Mr. Teaser? What are you doing here in the middle of the day?
(him): I am always here, but never have I actually saw you. Maybe I have, but you were probably less significant before. But seriously though, can we move to a shade because the Sun is killing me.
(her): You've probably never felt heartbreak, it kills better than the Sun.

they both walked towards a tree and sat

she took off her sunnies and he was pretty shooked by her eyes

(her): I lost something precious today. I mean, not that it was not forseeable that it could be taken away but for almost the past three weeks it was fine. Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't fell off an outsiders spaceship you know, if thats what you were thinking.

he smirked

(him): Wow, Miss Telepathy. Nah, I just thought you have a unique facial features. If nobody has ever told you that before.
(her): Thank you.
(him): So where were we again? Heartbreak? Loss? I'm all ears if you don't mind sharing.

she checked her grass green watch on her left wrist

(her): Hey, I got to go. See you around.

She stood up and walked away
He lied down and continued wondering about the imposing girl he just met

*Screen fades*

dir. Flying Rascals (09.03.2017)

His Heart Says Hers (Part 3)

*At the beach at sunrise*

Simultaneously, he came into the picture from the left and she came in from the right. She was in pink and he, was in electric blue.

Both looked at each other surprised, top to toe.

(Him and her): Rare occurance we must say.
(Him and her): jinx

Both laughed to which only the two of the beings could hear as there was none other around

(Him): so what are we?
(Her): whatever nature is doing around us, to us, i guess. We could even be the sun, rising?

She giggles

(Him): you came, you are here now. And you are in pink!
(Her): yeap, we are here. And you are not in black??

Both started walking along the shore

(Her): how was the past few weeks?
(Him): ummm, hard. As usual. But some of my burdens were carried away by the simple thoughts of you. Weird, dont you think so?

She blushes as he looked at her being awkward

(Her): so you are telling me that the idea of myself has been exchanged by your thoughts kicking out the nonsensical burdens youve been carrying?
(Him): quite. Not exactly that, but I could take that as an answer. I mean, i finally had to wake up somehow and not for reasons that would want me dead.
(Her): nothing wants you dead, not even death. If so, he would have come to pick you up long ago.
(Him): maybe. And you?

He stopped walking and stood infront of her

(Him): Have I ever crossed your mind? For silly reasons atleast?

She picked up a sea shell and walked further up and sat down on her slippers

(Her): how silly could silly be?
(Him): I dont know, how I am always unconsciously pulling my hair to the back? Or just how I'm always feeling like shit?
(Her): thats not silly, silly.

She threw a little sand to his pants

(Her): if I had thoughts about you, it would be about you as a person. Even if I could only remember the feeling of your presence standing next to me because the past few times we met, I never actually observed you.
(Him): really?

He looked at her, who was still deeply being enthusiastic over the sea shells

(Him): would you remember them tomorrow? Or next week? Or forever?

She paused and looked at him puzzled

(Her): sorry, wait, who? Them?

He pointed at the seashells

(Him): them? You seem so interested, as if youre trying to remember every parts of those little things.
(Her): theyre beautiful. Maybe I would forget by tonight how it felt having them in my hands, I would most probably forget how they look specifically too. But you know what?

She takes his hand and put a few on his

(Her): i will never forget that they are beautiful, and if i come here I know that there are beautiful things that i can find. Maybe it will no longer be the same, but it is still pleasing to the eyes and soul. What say you?
(Him): mmhhmm, point taken. So why pink?
(Her): because i want to be remembered, as something beautiful. And to be so you have to be different. And i want to be remembered differently on this day compared to any other days. Why blue?
(Him): i intended to camouflage with the sea, but i guess i failed.

They both laughed

(Him): nah, i just thought that this moment is special. Im already pitch black inside, as if you couldnt see that yet. So blue, is not so far from black, but it is still special. Youre special.
(Her): dont be special because of me, be great by embracing those darkness you have in you. I mean, some people are so bright they dont even know what is peace.
(Him): so do you want to get breakfast? I know a stall where they sell fresh fruits and cakes by now

He stood up, brushing off the sands offering her a hand

(Her): that sounds refreshing

She held his hand and they walked away.
*Screen fades*

dir. Flying Rascals (08.03.2017)

His Heart Says Hers (Part 5)

*phone on side table beeps*

Text
(him): Lets talk?

*At the beach*

she walks towards the water and he comes into the picture from behind

(him): What if I instantly become vulnerable out there? What if these small cracks starts to worsen?

he takes her hands

(him): What if I see you in other beings who walk pass by me and it kills me not having you to wink and being all weird randomly?

she pulls his hand and step into the water letting waves innocently hit their knees

(her): I will write you letters, I will never stop. I will sing you goodnight, I will burn you a CD of our conversations and my ugly singing.
(him): What is going to happen to the lady I'm standing next to for the times I will be gone? How will she wake up to life and live lightly?
(her): She will receive letters from you, she will have you at the back of her mind. She will have hope, she won't wait but she will always believe in miracles.

they face each other and walks to sit on the sands

(her): we can do this the old fashioned way, it's the best way to be fair to fate. To have trust in what we should and should not?
(him): Do you think I can get that life we laughed about when we were younger?

he smiles in a beautiful way

(her): whatever life we would get, the young us would still laugh about it because its a story they are eager to hear. What is 'the life' to you?
(him): Cliche book endings, cliche movie endings, cliche heroic actions.

she laughs silly and looks across the make of him

(her): I don't know, I don't. But I could die right now, I could die whenever having the idea that I have achieved the life I was supposed to achieve. Don't you think so too?
(him): Of course, this feeling is what I can never let books write about or filmed. This feeling is simply complex, I wouldn't want the World to make their own assumptions about it.

he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and lie down at his back

(her): neither do I, let nature keep this safe.

she lies down beside him and holds his hand

(him): If I should bid farewell at this moment of time, what would you say to pack me for the long journey of life?
(her): It was supposed to be a surprise for you, keep this fair, come on?

she moves to lie down in his arms

(him): how would you know if this is the exact moment for you to speak of words of goodbye? Might as well allow me to listen carefully and embed it in my soul.
(her): You really want to know?
(him): Uhuh, go. Now.
(her): Stay out of trouble and always make time for number one, Love! I will be waiting patiently for you to return in one piece with a mind full of intelligence.
(him): What if I never came back?
(her): Whatever you heart says, my heart says the same for you too.
(him): I love you dearly, thats what my heart says.
(her): Of course.

*screen moves up towards the sea and fades*

dir. Flying Rascals (07.03.2017)

Contradictory of a Solitary

I probably didn't lie
when I told you I was ruined
by my own thoughts and actions
Maybe I was too stucked up
with the idea of making things up
to cover up the truth.

Like constantly saying
"all my writings are mere imagination
not expression"
or "I don't care,lol".

None of you has probably
been able to prove to me
that what I was going through,
the whole scene was reality
that I had to live with
I needed a physical black and white document,
to literally slap me in the face
telling me that I was mentally sick
and now I am recovering.

You, me, them,
we have all successfully doubted my abilities
to become a nonsensical creature
or more like an empty glass jar
with the lid tightly closed.

In all honesty,
I still feel like
this is all made up shit I put myself into
to become 'phenomenal',
what a crappy idea to hold success.

Here's a few maybes;
maybe I did love the people I said I didn't,
maybe I knew the answers
but I wrote chicken poop instead,
maybe I'm sane.

Decieving isn't it?
How she could be so real yet still so lost,
so clear yet still so branchy,
so honest yet still so mysterious.
And I am writing this,
at 3.20a.m thinking with my eyes closed,
snugging in my fav hoodie and socks.

- February 18, 2017 / flyingrascals

Bag of Nothingness

Hello, I know it has been forever. Like, literally. Or maybe not. I don't know, you tell me.

Life, generally has been a thrilling roller coaster for me. Some days I'm just so quiet, some days I cry, and some of course I am the cheerful Afiqah. Basically, I am so alone I no longer know how not to be.

I have repeatedly been saying to the people around me, or write on my tumblr, or anywhere else that I have found peace distancing myself from people. Lots of people. People who I care about, people I do not care about, people I have been wanting to avoid since forever. People, besides my family. Trust me, I no longer make time for anyone, even the people who I used to drive an extra mile just to have a glass of teh tarik with twice a week.

Maybe I did find peace, but I have a feeling like it is taking my soul away. I am somehow losing touch from the person I actually am. It's kinda scary, getting used to being empty. I used to define empty by being content. Meaning to say that I have no worries because everything seems to fall in place perfectly that I need to find something new to think of. This time, it's pretty odd. I don't think of anything, I feel like I no longer have feelings.

However, I gotta admit that I am somehow a cry baby lately. I break down to pieces so easily and I think it is because I am not living enough. It could be because I keep so many things to myself, it is because I don't wake up with excitement of a new day. I am empty.

This whole idea of emptiness is slowly eating me and my soul up, I mean like I choose to be away from so many things I end up having nothing at all. I allow myself to break down so easily, that I no longer know how to hold myself together. I wish I had a little more passion in me, maybe it will come back soon when school reopens. Or I probably have to make a new me to begin with.

I lost it all, I broke my own heart by failing a few stuffs terribly. Failing in school, failing in friendship, failing in general. I hate this whole idea of me focusing on all the shit reasons to feel shit, I wanna have the drive to do things.

Anyway, I just want to say that I miss everything and everyone. Say hi if you see me, because I might be too blinded walking through the road not seeing anything else besides going to a place where I can be alone again. Who knows you might give me the spark that I have been missing this whole time.

Bubye.

All At Once

Before I start
allow me to ask this question that is not so hard
Is it just me
or every moment in my life depends on my cup of coffee?
well you see
I don't really know how I got crazy
over this drink made up of crushed dark brown beans
it could either make my day really good like breathing in a sweet caramel scent
or just bad as hell which could make me so dehydrated and grumpy
but as time goes by
I realised that not only I feel happy and freshed like cold morning showers
I, too, always put the blame for every shitty reasons over it
when i cry at night missing mom out of a sudden
you have no idea how heavy i feel of the burden
i would end up saying
"im just being over emotional, its probably the americano"
when really though,
i miss my mom for too long already
and i just need that warm hug
or
when i lie down in my room and imagine some romantic dialogs in my head
as if before I was even born, i have once been dead
somewhere in someplace (you know like the movie I origins)
it would even make me feel like ive lived the moments i imagined
and again i will finally say
"maybe it was just that cup of latte"
things got crazier when i started to write
stories and poems
everytime i feel like an idea is kicking in where my hands types so damn fast
as if im being possessed (trust me ive been sober all my life)
it would get really weird where i can go up to the point of crying while writing
because the stories i write is just so real and i could feel every single touch i touched
and as usual,  i would go
"damn, it was really concentrated. guess it was a good ass macchiato"
including,
this one fine evening
i remember i was sitting
in my fav coffee shop in bukit jelutong
alone just doing nothing
accompanied by a good book and ofcourse my essentials
phone, notebook and a pencil
and i saw this person walking in through the door i rarely use
red tshirt, shorts and a rayban slipping into electric blue birkenstock
i have no idea how it caught my attention
probably he just looked a little cool
i was sipping my vanilla latte
but for the first time ever
how my coffee tasted didnt matter
what was important was this particular person sitting across the cafe
who didnt realise i was putting up a stare
i swear to god my innocent eyes has never seen anything as beautiful as this one
but it didnt allow me for long
he had to walk out too fast
and so i packed my stuffs cause without his presence
everything in the cafe suddenly seems so wrong as if it had lost its essence
but when i was at the counter to pay for my drink
the cashier told me
"oh dear lady! the gentlemen in red paid for it, he even left you a wink"
im not saying its true but it might
be the cup of coffee cause i couldnt sleep that night
weeks after weeks
and the next thing i realised
i was already looking at his lips
right infront of me
and it reminded me of the coffee beans i use to hold handful
crooked but just perfect to make me feel calm
we would always go for coffee dates
i love how he would always request for my latte art to be made heart shaped
the smell of his shoulders i always lie my head on
reminds me of the aroma i had always breathe in when i open my pack of processed coffee at home in the morning
the way he would smirk and smile
had always reminded me of fresh brewed Omar Bernal
so authentic
the feeling of holding his hands
was as warm as holding my favourite coffee mug
and his eyes
oh his eyes
oh his eyes
oh his eyes
oh his eyes
oh my eyes
was swollen
and my heart
was broken
when he had to leave
so sudden
and he was gone
leaving me with no escape or reverse button
and i still blame my coffee up till today
if only i had ordered cappucino the other day
i wouldnt be distracted by the lips of that stranger
if only i didnt accidentally add in sugar in my vanilla latte
i wouldnt be falling for the sweet words of this heartbreaker
if only i had quit coffee and just drink water
i wouldnt be writing this and healing myself here.
i guess i should just stop blaming the things i love
and hurting myself trying to lose them
all at once.

Lipstick Stains

on a plain tie dyed shirt

Mind Games.?.

I am fond of the idea of falling in love with my own thoughts and imaginations, falling in love with the unachievable setting of a stoic attitude.
Failing to say the right words and stumbling upon real life obstacles, for I have always made up my own troubles which I know the escape to.
For I have always run away from ones I am afraid of and catch ones I enjoy.
How much more ironic can a girl like me be? Admitting on a stage in front of the World about the realist I am. When all I have been doing for the past billions of seconds I have been breathing, was just dreaming and dreaming.

Same old thoughts, rusty but stained.

12th July 2016 and I still check on you every, every, every day without fail. What is all this all about? I dont know either. I dont understand how is this so addicting, that it makes it so hard for me to quit. Man, I swear I would have had better chances and a better life if I stop, just, stop caring about your existence. You know, it feels like I am fan girling over a celebrity. I put up with anything that I can get online, look at your photos, find out the latest gossips just to satisfy myself. I have never fangirled over any famous people before, but you. What the actual hell right? What are you? I bet you cant answer that as well. Come on, youre just an ordinary guy from my past that I caught feelings for unconciously and it got stucked and checking up on you has become a routine. You are nobody, youre not famous, youre not super intelligent, youre not extremely hot and sexy, youre just a guy in your own tiny circle of yours that changes from one time to another. I swear to god, youre not even a fuck boy. Youre just, a boy. Who plays games, a comic nerd, movie geek, anime lover, football fan, collector of randon antiques and the lame ass list goes on. But I see that youre happy occupying yourselves with those little things, and from afar, that makes me feel at ease. Atleast youre not lying in bed like a stupid person not knowing what youre up to in your life, numb from heartbreaks, missing people that has walked away from you, stressing over problems that supposedly shouldnt bother you that much, or getting angry at things that is insignificant to your future. See, ive deleted the writings about you but its 2.15a.m. and I am supposed to study for my own success, but nope here I am writing more and more. Only words. Just, words that has been creating everything between you and I. And to be honest with you, if I ever get the chance to get to know you again I wouldnt know what to say. Like the last time we met, all that could come out from my mouth was 'hi, hows life?' Despite that I am, considerably loud, Im still awkward around you. I had always prefer silence with you around. Knowing that you are okay, is good enough. I hope one day you'll willingly reply to my message on Tumblr, so I know where I stand. And I hope you reply with the Y word because thats all that I ask for now. I just want to see you, drink coffee or tea or maybe something extraordinary. I just wanna share silence with you and get everything cleared up so I can continue building my life, making myself a better person for my future, with or without you.

face it

I have hated negativity so much, I hated seeing violence and pain. I have hated fights and quarrels. I have hated every single thing that could put my heart at a place where it feels like every little piece of it is being broken slowly, one after another.

I have turned off the television when the news throws pictures of war in my face, I have shut off the radio when they scream jokes of anothers' sufferings, I have shut off the people who has only been telling me to hate and hate and hate and break and turn myself into a hipocrite, I have been hiding in my blanket and sing m favourite melodies all along.

But tell me how do I even put my running shoes on, how do I even stand up to run from the things that breaks my heart even when I don't ask for any of it? How do I close my eyes when it haunts my dreams? How do I shut my ears when it's too close and loud? How do I not give a damn, when it has everything to do with the only thing that is left for me in this World?

How do I.... fix all these things that only breaks me? How do I........ help? How........................