I used to write a lot about this person, probably the second highest subject out of all of the writings I've ever written in my life. Pffffttt, I know right? It has been a while since I wrote about/for you. I guess we both did a good job in making peace with ourselves, with our past and with our friendship that has never really left us. Used to be a bro to me, and then cupid acted stupid that we broke the bro code and now we're in the bro zone again. I can say that I am happy this way, it's like I've missed talking to you as a friend and we finally became ourselves again. It has only been like one year ago but it seems like we have grew out of it pretty amazingly. So as requested, this poem is for you dude(used to call you babe but fuk u hahaha).
Yesterday is so far in my days
but it is so near in my mind
the fact that you crossed the border
is totally something to be amazed by
I still wonder how you managed to cut off the lines
Your happiness is my pleasure
but life said that route is a disgrace to our ways
the decision for our departure
was the best thing that we could chase
Now you are a hero of your own
and I am again my own queen in my castle
We are too strong for each other
Being together makes us nothing but frown
Here I am giving you my gratitude
for being a good person for me to remember always
the younger you has always been in a persons bad book
trust me, you are too dearly to be in mine
I used to write you many poems
of sorry's and goodbyes
I guess this one right here is me
finally wanting to say "hye!"
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Steps
Good things takes time, and I guess that 'good thing' for me is still far ahead of me for me to take a step at a time while cherishing these moments in my life. Again, this is a post on topic that has been on my tongue forever and always.
You see, they always tell you that we should take one step at a time while moving to the things we want so that we can learn and enjoy the little things while we are on our way. That is exactly what I did with the situation I was having lately. I thought it was worth it, I saw some light in it. I took one step at a moment, I didn't even give up even though the typical me would. I believe in patience and effort. I made peace with my ego, I told my ego that this is going to give me something valuable to remember. However, they have never told me that sometimes, while we are patiently taking each step with full focus, others would take a sprint towards the things we want. And before we even get there, we have lost it already.
People, also said that you have to be extreme in wanting the things you wish to have in life. You must be aggressive and hardworking and put in full effort. I don't know which is the right way to do it but I am glad that I did what I did. Yes, if I took that sprint I would probably be there first. I would be a 'winner'? But what if when reach there after that tiring run, I still get dissapointed? Wouldn't that be worst? Maybe you would argue that the run was satisfactory, but me on the other hand, I wanna say that I'm glad I got to learn the things people always overlooked. I am glad I cherished the little things.
What I have in my head is walking through a garden towards a door, and taking one step at a time breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the flowers and plants around me. Watching honey bees and insects doing their thing, and having no problems to worry. Only the fact that they got to do what they have to do everyday without fail. While a person who takes a sprint wouldn't get the chance to enjoy these things I did.
Maybe this is not yet my time, maybe you are not the right person for me. Maybe she needs you more than I do. Maybe I have all the things she wants in life, thats why she deserves it better. Maybe I am way happier than she had ever been, maybe? Life is full of consequences. Maybe this is just a moment I have to cherish while it lasts because in a few years, when your name gets mentioned, I'll be making that confused face of mine.
Maybe, this is not the end of it. But I pray to God that it is.
You see, they always tell you that we should take one step at a time while moving to the things we want so that we can learn and enjoy the little things while we are on our way. That is exactly what I did with the situation I was having lately. I thought it was worth it, I saw some light in it. I took one step at a moment, I didn't even give up even though the typical me would. I believe in patience and effort. I made peace with my ego, I told my ego that this is going to give me something valuable to remember. However, they have never told me that sometimes, while we are patiently taking each step with full focus, others would take a sprint towards the things we want. And before we even get there, we have lost it already.
People, also said that you have to be extreme in wanting the things you wish to have in life. You must be aggressive and hardworking and put in full effort. I don't know which is the right way to do it but I am glad that I did what I did. Yes, if I took that sprint I would probably be there first. I would be a 'winner'? But what if when reach there after that tiring run, I still get dissapointed? Wouldn't that be worst? Maybe you would argue that the run was satisfactory, but me on the other hand, I wanna say that I'm glad I got to learn the things people always overlooked. I am glad I cherished the little things.
What I have in my head is walking through a garden towards a door, and taking one step at a time breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the flowers and plants around me. Watching honey bees and insects doing their thing, and having no problems to worry. Only the fact that they got to do what they have to do everyday without fail. While a person who takes a sprint wouldn't get the chance to enjoy these things I did.
Maybe this is not yet my time, maybe you are not the right person for me. Maybe she needs you more than I do. Maybe I have all the things she wants in life, thats why she deserves it better. Maybe I am way happier than she had ever been, maybe? Life is full of consequences. Maybe this is just a moment I have to cherish while it lasts because in a few years, when your name gets mentioned, I'll be making that confused face of mine.
Maybe, this is not the end of it. But I pray to God that it is.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
insecurities and misinterpretations
Why do we always read some text in a different idea than how it was supposed to be read and react instantly and go crazy, but realise hours or days later when you reread it that it was really nothing? I've had this problem for years, I'm bad at translating a text and how it's supposed to sound. That's why I prefer a face to face, real life conversations. I feel the need to see face reactions and a persons eagerness and how their lips move when they speak, how their muscles work the emotions they express without them realising. For the 100000th time, I'm telling you that I love realness.
Back in my high school days, I have always got into a social media fight with my guy friends just because I read what they wrote in a meanier tone. Or because I assume too much, and then react and then regret. But as I grow older I have learnt how to stay calm and take time to understand criticisms given and all the other things that comes in ny way.
Love, too has always complicate my mind. Sometimes I question myself whether it was my fault to be reading it in that way and make assumptions, or if it was really meant to be mraning like how I was reading it, or that person said it with no intention to insert whatever confusion I end up having? I don't know. I hate blurry pictures when it comes to this subject. I hate wasting my time. I hate having my mind occupied by the things I know will not last. They say live the moment, I say live the moment all the time but I just can't help saving myself from getting my knees bleed and my mind blocked and my heart crushed. To fall is to feel the adrenalines and whether you are saved or you will die, you will never know.
And it's May 2016, but I'm still arranging my bricks to make my walls higher and higher. I'm sorry, I don't want to be told of my unworthiness.
Back in my high school days, I have always got into a social media fight with my guy friends just because I read what they wrote in a meanier tone. Or because I assume too much, and then react and then regret. But as I grow older I have learnt how to stay calm and take time to understand criticisms given and all the other things that comes in ny way.
Love, too has always complicate my mind. Sometimes I question myself whether it was my fault to be reading it in that way and make assumptions, or if it was really meant to be mraning like how I was reading it, or that person said it with no intention to insert whatever confusion I end up having? I don't know. I hate blurry pictures when it comes to this subject. I hate wasting my time. I hate having my mind occupied by the things I know will not last. They say live the moment, I say live the moment all the time but I just can't help saving myself from getting my knees bleed and my mind blocked and my heart crushed. To fall is to feel the adrenalines and whether you are saved or you will die, you will never know.
And it's May 2016, but I'm still arranging my bricks to make my walls higher and higher. I'm sorry, I don't want to be told of my unworthiness.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
TARDY LOVE
Years and years have gone by
the never ending water droplets from our rooftop
has filled a whole lake
fishes has breed and loved and died
but I am still sitting infront of the window
staining my hands with ink
writing you love letters
with the address of a nowhere land
Years and years have gone by
the empty soil that used to sink our naughty feets
has grown potatoes
that could feed the whole row of this village
and I am still holding papers
that has your sincere handwritten poems
where you spoiled me
with words of fondness and lust
Years and years have gone by
the empty corners of my heart
the cold parts of my limbs
has been ignored and put away
covered with white cloths
replaceed with a complete full
of a whole new life, explorations and ambitions
And when my legs moved itself
with the order of my unconcious mind
to the mailman who used to not have wrinkles
I wasn't expecting to see a signature
I am very familiar of
Oh boy, you made it sound so cheap
you made it seem so painless and easy
you left me empty
you forced me to climb up new mountains
with the warmth of your hands
pulling my feets down
making me feel like I had massive slabs to carry
Now you are back with signing letters
a whole new bunch of love printed in a book
with a name I was born with at the dedication
but I don't know
if those empty spaces and cold parts
still need filling and caress,
the never ending water droplets from our rooftop
has filled a whole lake
fishes has breed and loved and died
but I am still sitting infront of the window
staining my hands with ink
writing you love letters
with the address of a nowhere land
Years and years have gone by
the empty soil that used to sink our naughty feets
has grown potatoes
that could feed the whole row of this village
and I am still holding papers
that has your sincere handwritten poems
where you spoiled me
with words of fondness and lust
Years and years have gone by
the empty corners of my heart
the cold parts of my limbs
has been ignored and put away
covered with white cloths
replaceed with a complete full
of a whole new life, explorations and ambitions
And when my legs moved itself
with the order of my unconcious mind
to the mailman who used to not have wrinkles
I wasn't expecting to see a signature
I am very familiar of
Oh boy, you made it sound so cheap
you made it seem so painless and easy
you left me empty
you forced me to climb up new mountains
with the warmth of your hands
pulling my feets down
making me feel like I had massive slabs to carry
Now you are back with signing letters
a whole new bunch of love printed in a book
with a name I was born with at the dedication
but I don't know
if those empty spaces and cold parts
still need filling and caress,
Saturday, April 23, 2016
DICE
This is the rational Afiqah speaking. Not the insecure Afiqah, not the philosophical deep thinking Afiqah, not the emotional hopeless romantic Afiqah, not the crazy hyper annoying Afiqah too. Okay fine, this is Afiqah speaking.
The same old Afiqah, still gonna talk about friendships. Last time I checked I was curling myself in bed thinking of the good moments I had with those friends I used to hang out with. Yes, those friends who were with me in the morning to laugh during breakfast, the friends who laughed with me in class, when walking to class, in the evening eating ABC or having early dinner at a random stall. It was never anything fancy. We have always reserved the fancy stuffs for our other friends or family. I like realness.
I don't know if I'm putting it in my own definition or its really it, but the realness I'm saying here is talking to one another and being honest in everything and sharing the same lame joke nobody else would understand. Laughing at the world while they're judging us. Laughing at ourselves. Talking to each other on serious matters to the tiniest bits. I was reminiscing those moment. Wrapping my hands around myself lying in my bed in a dark room where everthing else shuts itself.
My mind was wandering to the good times, searching where it went wrong, questioning myself why I'm punished in that way. I forgot that He has better plans. Now, I'm happy again, living my life again, doing the little things that makes me happy again except with different people. Maybe better friends, or maybe equal in the ways I can't put an equation to. Real friends has always put a smile on my face and as much as I seem like I don't care about anyone, I CARE A LOT ABOUT MY FRIENDS. i realised that when they were taken away from me. Man, I was like a person who had a blank mind. No motives, no senses, I couldn't even feel myself.
How dare I doubted You my Lord, how could I? How can I forget the quote I have always held on; everything happens for a reason. But thank you dear Almighty, for giving me healthy people in my life. For showing me how beautiful a person could be, and how a person could click so well with me. Like wow, being patient was worth every bit.
Aaaaaand besides the above self check, I'm just here to say that I've grown up into a new person, like seriously man. When I look back to my past photos it makes me sad because I used to be very very very carefree, and all the other sides I mentioned above rarely showed itself. But now I'm everything all at once. I don't really have anything to say honestly. Just wanna say Hi to the younger version Afiqah, just wanna tell her how far she has gone and how much of the things she loves she's already doing. How many good people she has in her life and life is kinda great now, but ordinary I guess. Nothing special. Just... life?
The same old Afiqah, still gonna talk about friendships. Last time I checked I was curling myself in bed thinking of the good moments I had with those friends I used to hang out with. Yes, those friends who were with me in the morning to laugh during breakfast, the friends who laughed with me in class, when walking to class, in the evening eating ABC or having early dinner at a random stall. It was never anything fancy. We have always reserved the fancy stuffs for our other friends or family. I like realness.
I don't know if I'm putting it in my own definition or its really it, but the realness I'm saying here is talking to one another and being honest in everything and sharing the same lame joke nobody else would understand. Laughing at the world while they're judging us. Laughing at ourselves. Talking to each other on serious matters to the tiniest bits. I was reminiscing those moment. Wrapping my hands around myself lying in my bed in a dark room where everthing else shuts itself.
My mind was wandering to the good times, searching where it went wrong, questioning myself why I'm punished in that way. I forgot that He has better plans. Now, I'm happy again, living my life again, doing the little things that makes me happy again except with different people. Maybe better friends, or maybe equal in the ways I can't put an equation to. Real friends has always put a smile on my face and as much as I seem like I don't care about anyone, I CARE A LOT ABOUT MY FRIENDS. i realised that when they were taken away from me. Man, I was like a person who had a blank mind. No motives, no senses, I couldn't even feel myself.
How dare I doubted You my Lord, how could I? How can I forget the quote I have always held on; everything happens for a reason. But thank you dear Almighty, for giving me healthy people in my life. For showing me how beautiful a person could be, and how a person could click so well with me. Like wow, being patient was worth every bit.
Aaaaaand besides the above self check, I'm just here to say that I've grown up into a new person, like seriously man. When I look back to my past photos it makes me sad because I used to be very very very carefree, and all the other sides I mentioned above rarely showed itself. But now I'm everything all at once. I don't really have anything to say honestly. Just wanna say Hi to the younger version Afiqah, just wanna tell her how far she has gone and how much of the things she loves she's already doing. How many good people she has in her life and life is kinda great now, but ordinary I guess. Nothing special. Just... life?
Friday, April 22, 2016
PERMISSION #2
Allow me to fall in love
with the uneven effortless smiles your muscles work on your face
when you watch your favourite movies for the tenth time
Allow me to rub my thumb on your soft hands
while you are focusing on the road
allow me to hold it tight
when you do your crazy driving tactics
Allow my sight to stare into your tired eyes
blinking and observing your surroundings
allow me to look into it and fall in love
with the deepest parts of your soul I have not explored
Allow me to count your imperfectly perfect crooked teeth
arranged with two fiery fangs
that can't scare away the love I feel towards you
the imperfectly perfectness
that you don't even have to try and fix it to be beautiful
Allow me to hold you with my little arms
with the strength of my huge heart
Allow me to have you by my side
through your wrecked souls and euphoric laughters
through my empty tears and whole success
Allow me to have a bit of your hours every single day
for the rest of your life
Allow me to be your saviour
your hardworking sidekick
your headache, your calming breath
your devoted assistant and obviously
the person who shares the same love story as you
Allow me to read this again and again to you
when you forget to sleep
when you forget to smile
when you forget to love
when you can't decide
when you feel like losing everything
when you are happy
when you are sleepy
when you can no longer see
when you no longer have enough breaths
to laugh for more than a minute
when you can no longer read
||
||
when you are no longer with me.
with the uneven effortless smiles your muscles work on your face
when you watch your favourite movies for the tenth time
Allow me to rub my thumb on your soft hands
while you are focusing on the road
allow me to hold it tight
when you do your crazy driving tactics
Allow my sight to stare into your tired eyes
blinking and observing your surroundings
allow me to look into it and fall in love
with the deepest parts of your soul I have not explored
Allow me to count your imperfectly perfect crooked teeth
arranged with two fiery fangs
that can't scare away the love I feel towards you
the imperfectly perfectness
that you don't even have to try and fix it to be beautiful
Allow me to hold you with my little arms
with the strength of my huge heart
Allow me to have you by my side
through your wrecked souls and euphoric laughters
through my empty tears and whole success
Allow me to have a bit of your hours every single day
for the rest of your life
Allow me to be your saviour
your hardworking sidekick
your headache, your calming breath
your devoted assistant and obviously
the person who shares the same love story as you
Allow me to read this again and again to you
when you forget to sleep
when you forget to smile
when you forget to love
when you can't decide
when you feel like losing everything
when you are happy
when you are sleepy
when you can no longer see
when you no longer have enough breaths
to laugh for more than a minute
when you can no longer read
||
||
when you are no longer with me.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Goals
Goals or in other words, things you want to achieve in life. Some people also call it 'bucketlist'. It could be something to achieve tomorrow or something in 10 years time. It could be about buying your dream car, house, going to your dream holiday spots or it could just be losing 1kg or writing a story.
The stereotype of the World in achieving success if either on money or happiness. The meter is subjective but it is still somehow viewed in the same perspective or the same direction at the end of the day. Some people might congratulate another for having lots of money or getting a doctorate in a crazy field or most probably having a life that seems to be 'perfect'.
However, the word perfect itself is not perfect. Trying to be perfect also needs flaws and breakdowns. Going to the idea of perfect would take up lots of sacrifices and efforts and determination and positivity and all the good things one could think of.
As for people my age, or maybe the ones who are quite in the same situation as I am; which is studying in Law School and trying to figure what my future is all about, the would probably have goals such as being a Lawyer, an advocate or a judge or anything around there. Or some would imagine themselves being hell of a rich person spoiling themselves and their loved ones and the list goes on. But in achieving those things, they would most probably study their ass off and join as much as activities that could lead them to that goal.
Me, on the otherhand is still on a string that leads to a blurry picture of my future which I don't really want to have an idea of? I am not a person who has big goals, because I can't seem to draw a mind map or a route in my mind to how it would make me happy.
My ultimate goal in my life is to be happy, as cliche as it sounds. Yes, ofcourse I want good grades and graduate Law School and make my family proud of me by my good grades I guess? and by getting those good grades, could also promise me a good place to work in the future. But, I dont want to study for that only. I love going to class and listening to lectures and reading books and the selfish part of me wants every single knowledge that the World could offer.
I used to have this conversation with my cousin when I was 16 years old and she was around 22 if I'm not mistaken. I asked her "why do you study and go to class?" and she said "to get good grades and graduate as an excellent student" and she asked me back the same question. I answered "ever since I was small, the only reason for me to go to school is to gain knowledge. Not even to get good grades because I hate the fact that I have to know something only according to an answer scheme and if I don't answer what it wants, I'll fail. And probably thats the reason for me getting not so excellent results. I love studying, no kidding. I just dont see the relevance of not having a life by studying."
Well, that was a 16 year old me speaking. My cousin even laughed at me and said "itu lagi la takde hala tuju". It is kinda true though. I dont really know the point of me writing this post. But I'm just trying to say that I am a person who loves knowledge and arts and people. And by occupying myself with all those things, it would make me happy.
But you know what they always say, that not everything you love is good for you. And I think the thing I don't really fancy is focusing on one thing. Because like I said previously, I want to know everything. My life could be closely related to the idiom 'jack of all trades, master of none'.
I love the little things in life, making people happy by little things and never big things. I like the idea of living the moment because by doing so, it will make you live well. And it would make you aware of every single thing that is happening to you and the idea of looking back is what makes me realise how far I have gone and how much I have changed.
Different people have different ways of achieving their goals, and probably this is mine.
I want to be a good poet, not a famous one. I want my children and friends to read my poetry. I want strangers to relate to my writings. I don't want publicity, I want authenticity.
I want to be a knowledgeable person, I want to learn the law. I want to apply it to my life and help people understand it. I want my family to be proud of their little Afiqah who can tell them things they have no idea of.
I want to paint waterfalls and make clay art and all the other arts I haven't explored. I want to give the World a little gift by expressing myself. I want to make abstract paintings and give it to my loved ones and people I appreciate.
I want to be happy. I want to be a good muslim. I want to be the best of myself.
I am not impressed by money, I am not impressed by looks, I am not impressed by intelligence. But I'd love if you share with me a part of your life and ideas and thoughts on how amazing the World is.
As much as we all know that absolute happiness in the World is impossible and violence and massacre would go on and on until the end of time, I hope I get the chance to change this place into a better one. I hope that more people would show kindness and love and authenticity.
Sorry if this leads to nowhere, but I guess I finally managed to put bits of my weird-illogical thoughts that I always keep to myself into a blog post.
Ciao, you are pleased to differ from my ideas because truly, my mind and maturity changes through time. And I'd love to expand and explore more of people.
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